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Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #41, band 7.5

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

179 words. Marked by Axiom on 17 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

The bar chart this answer describes

Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart)2001, 2008 for Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, Farming, in people. Values are approximate, read from the original chart.050,000100,000150,000200,000SalesAccountingComputingNursingFarming
Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart)2001, 2008 for Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, Farming, in people. Values are approximate, read from the original chart.050,000100,000150,000200,000SalesAccountingComputingNursingFarming
Values in people. Values approximate: read from the original chart, not printed on it.
Show the data
Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart) (people)
20012008
Sales155,000165,000
Accounting66,00058,000
Computing59,00079,000
Nursing56,00060,000
Farming29,00019,000

Academic Task 1179 words

The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of worl on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008

The bar chart illustrates the number of people employed in five different sectors in Australia in the years 2001 and 2008.

  1. Grammar & accuracy

    RevisedThe categories included sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming.

    Maintaining past tense for consistency with the rest of the essay.

Overall, the sales sector had the highest number of employees in both years, while the farming sector experienced a significant decline. , while the accounting sector remained relatively stable.

  1. Lexical resource

    RevisedEmployment in nursing and computing saw a slight increase...

    Rephrasing to avoid repetition of 'increased'.

The accounting and computing sectors followed, each employing close to 70,000 people.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedIn 2001, the sales sector employed the largest number of people, approximately 150,000.

    Reordering the sentence can improve clarity and flow.

  2. Grammar & accuracy

    RevisedEmployment in the nursing sector was slightly lower, at around 60,000 workers.

    Replacing 'marginally' with 'slightly' for clearer meaning.

  3. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedIn contrast, the farming sector had the lowest employment figures, with approximately 30,000 employees.

    Using 'in contrast' provides a clearer comparison.

, reaching around 80,000 workers each by 2008. Conversely, employment in the accounting sector remained steady, with little change from 2001 at approximately 80,000 employees. , with numbers dropping to fewer than 20,000 workers.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedBy 2008, the sales sector remained dominant, with growth to slightly over 160,000 employees.

    Rephrasing for better chronological order and clarity.

  2. Lexical resource

    RevisedBoth the computing and nursing sectors experienced modest increases...

    Using 'experienced' adds variety.

  3. Grammar & accuracy

    RevisedThe farming sector, however, witnessed a significant decline...

    Adjusting word order for improved sentence structure.

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay is well-organized with a clear overview and logical progression of ideas, but could benefit from more linking words.

Suggestions

  • Use more linking words to enhance flow.
  • Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
  • Clarify comparisons between years.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedIn 2001, the sales sector employed the largest number of people, approximately 150,000.

    Reordering the sentence can improve clarity and flow.

  • RevisedIn contrast, the farming sector had the lowest employment figures, with approximately 30,000 employees.

    Using 'in contrast' provides a clearer comparison.

  • RevisedBy 2008, the sales sector remained dominant, with growth to slightly over 160,000 employees.

    Rephrasing for better chronological order and clarity.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 8.0/ 9

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with minor errors.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedThe categories included sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming.

    Maintaining past tense for consistency with the rest of the essay.

  • RevisedEmployment in the nursing sector was slightly lower, at around 60,000 workers.

    Replacing 'marginally' with 'slightly' for clearer meaning.

  • RevisedThe farming sector, however, witnessed a significant decline...

    Adjusting word order for improved sentence structure.

Lexical resource

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay uses a range of vocabulary accurately but lacks variety in some areas.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedThe sales sector continued to lead...

    Using synonyms can enhance lexical variety.

  • RevisedBoth the computing and nursing sectors experienced modest increases...

    Using 'experienced' adds variety.

  • RevisedEmployment in nursing and computing saw a slight increase...

    Rephrasing to avoid repetition of 'increased'.

Task achievement

Band 8.0/ 9

The essay addresses all key features of the chart and provides a clear overview.

Suggestions

  • Include more specific data points to support statements.
  • Ensure all sectors are equally discussed.

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