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Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #40, band 7.5

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

172 words. Marked by Axiom on 17 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

The bar chart this answer describes

Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart)2001, 2008 for Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, Farming, in people. Values are approximate, read from the original chart.050,000100,000150,000200,000SalesAccountingComputingNursingFarming
Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart)2001, 2008 for Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, Farming, in people. Values are approximate, read from the original chart.050,000100,000150,000200,000SalesAccountingComputingNursingFarming
Values in people. Values approximate: read from the original chart, not printed on it.
Show the data
Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart) (people)
20012008
Sales155,000165,000
Accounting66,00058,000
Computing59,00079,000
Nursing56,00060,000
Farming29,00019,000

Academic Task 1172 words

The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of worl on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008

The bar chart illustrates the number of people employed in five different sectors in Australia in the years 2001 and 2008.

  1. Lexical resource

    RevisedThe categories include sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming.

    Synonyms like 'categories' can enhance lexical variety.

Overall, the sales sector had the highest number of employees in both years, while the farming sector experienced a significant decline.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedEmployment in nursing and computing increased slightly, while the accounting sector remained relatively stable over the years.

    Improves cohesion by using 'while' and specifying the time frame.

The accounting and computing sectors followed, each employing close to 70,000 people.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedThe sales sector employed the largest number of people, with approximately 150,000 employees in 2001.

    Clarifies the year being referenced.

  2. Lexical resource

    RevisedEmployment in the nursing sector was marginally lower, at approximately 60,000 workers.

    Using 'marginally' and 'approximately' adds variety.

  3. Grammar & accuracy

    RevisedMeanwhile, the farming sector had the lowest figures, employing approximately 30,000 people.

    Rephrased for active voice and clarity.

In contrast, employment in the accounting sector remained steady, with little change from 2001 at approximately 80,000 employees.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedThe sales sector remained dominant, experiencing growth to slightly over 160,000 employees by 2008.

    Specifies the year to enhance clarity.

  2. Grammar & accuracy

    RevisedBoth the computing and nursing sectors saw modest increases, reaching approximately 80,000 workers each by 2008.

    Specifies the year to enhance clarity.

  3. Grammar & accuracy

    RevisedHowever, the farming sector witnessed a significant decline, with numbers dropping to fewer than 20,000 workers.

    Added 'with numbers' for clarity.

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay is well-organized with clear paragraphing and logical progression. However, some sentences could be linked more effectively.

Suggestions

  • Use more linking words to improve flow.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea.
  • Summarize the main trends in a concluding sentence.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedThe sales sector employed the largest number of people, with approximately 150,000 employees in 2001.

    Clarifies the year being referenced.

  • RevisedEmployment in nursing and computing increased slightly, while the accounting sector remained relatively stable over the years.

    Improves cohesion by using 'while' and specifying the time frame.

  • RevisedThe sales sector remained dominant, experiencing growth to slightly over 160,000 employees by 2008.

    Specifies the year to enhance clarity.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 8.0/ 9

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with minor errors.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedMeanwhile, the farming sector had the lowest figures, employing approximately 30,000 people.

    Rephrased for active voice and clarity.

  • RevisedHowever, the farming sector witnessed a significant decline, with numbers dropping to fewer than 20,000 workers.

    Added 'with numbers' for clarity.

  • RevisedBoth the computing and nursing sectors saw modest increases, reaching approximately 80,000 workers each by 2008.

    Specifies the year to enhance clarity.

Lexical resource

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay uses a range of vocabulary appropriately, though it could benefit from more varied expressions.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedThe categories include sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming.

    Synonyms like 'categories' can enhance lexical variety.

  • RevisedEmployment in the nursing sector was marginally lower, at approximately 60,000 workers.

    Using 'marginally' and 'approximately' adds variety.

  • RevisedConversely, employment in the accounting sector remained steady.

    'Conversely' adds variety and enhances contrast.

Task achievement

Band 8.0/ 9

The essay addresses all parts of the task, accurately describing the data and making comparisons.

Suggestions

  • Ensure all data points are accurately described.
  • Include a brief summary of overall trends.

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