Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #39, band 7.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
162 words. Marked by Axiom on 16 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1162 words
He chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe bar chart illustrates the number of people employed in five different types of work in a specific region of Australia during 2001 and 2008.
Replaced 'proportions' with 'number of people employed' for accuracy.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, among all types of work, sales remained the most favorable in both years, while farming consistently had the lowest number of employees.
Simplified the sentence structure to improve clarity.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn 2001, approximately 155,000 people were employed in sales, with this number increasing to over 160,000 in 2008, making it the most popular occupation.
Replaced 'proportion' with 'number' for clarity and accuracy.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedConversely, farming was the least popular job choice in 2001, and its popularity further diminished to around 19,000 people by 2008.
Improved sentence structure and clarity by using 'Conversely' and specifying the year.
In 2008, both computing and nursing rose to 61,000 and 59,000 employees, respectively.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn 2001, the remaining three types of jobs, namely accounting, computing, and nursing, had similar numbers of workers, ranging from 55,000 to 60,000.
Added commas for clarity and to separate the list.
Lexical resource
RevisedHowever, the number of people working as accountants slightly decreased to 59,000 in 2008.
Replaced 'fell marginally' with 'slightly decreased' for better precision.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is generally well-organized and ideas are presented clearly. However, there is some room for improvement in the use of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of information.
Suggestions
- Use more varied linking words to connect ideas.
- Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea.
- Consider using more complex sentence structures to improve flow.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, among all types of work, sales remained the most favorable in both years, while farming consistently had the lowest number of employees.
Simplified the sentence structure to improve clarity.
RevisedIn 2001, the remaining three types of jobs, namely accounting, computing, and nursing, had similar numbers of workers, ranging from 55,000 to 60,000.
Added commas for clarity and to separate the list.
RevisedConversely, farming was the least popular job choice in 2001, and its popularity further diminished to around 19,000 people by 2008.
Improved sentence structure and clarity by using 'Conversely' and specifying the year.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with a high level of accuracy. Minor errors do not impede understanding.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe remaining three types of jobs, namely accounting, computing, and nursing, had similar numbers of workers in 2001, ranging from 55,000 to 60,000.
Corrected punctuation for clarity.
RevisedOverall, it can be seen that among all types of work, sales was the most favorable in both years, while farming had the lowest number of employees.
Corrected tense consistency.
RevisedConversely, farming was the least popular job choice in 2001, and its popularity further diminished to around 19,000 people in 2008.
Clarified time reference for better understanding.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary relevant to the task, though it could benefit from more variety and precision.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar chart illustrates the number of people employed in five different types of work in a specific region of Australia during 2001 and 2008.
Replaced 'proportions' with 'number of people employed' for accuracy.
RevisedIn 2001, approximately 155,000 people were employed in sales, with this number increasing to over 160,000 in 2008, making it the most popular occupation.
Replaced 'proportion' with 'number' for clarity and accuracy.
RevisedHowever, the number of people working as accountants slightly decreased to 59,000 in 2008.
Replaced 'fell marginally' with 'slightly decreased' for better precision.
Task achievement
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses all parts of the task effectively, providing a clear overview and relevant details. The response could be enhanced by more detailed comparisons.
Suggestions
- Include more detailed comparisons between the years.
- Provide more specific data points for clarity.
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