Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #38, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
183 words. Marked by Axiom on 16 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1183 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed five types of work in a region in Australia in 2001 and 2008
The given bar chart illustrates statistics about the number of people employed in five different types of job in a Australian region over 7 years period , from 2001 to 2008. Overall , it is clearly seen that the higher number of people was employed in sales while small number of people interested in farming throughout the period.
Focusing on increases first , in 2001 , nearly 160, 000 people were employed in sales , by 2008 , the figure slightly increased to around 165,000 which made it highest proportion .
Lexical resource
RevisedAs for computing, it ranked second, employing nearly 60,000 people in 2001 and increasing to more than 70,000 people in 2008.
The verb 'employing' should be used instead of 'with employing' and the phrase 'around more than' is redundant.
Lexical resource
RevisedRegarding nursing, around 30,000 people signed up for that particular field in 2001, before increasing to 60,000 in 2008.
The phrase 'around more than' is redundant and the verb 'signed up' should be used instead of 'singed up.'
When it comes to decreases , starting about 65,000 people in 2001 , the number of people applied to accounting fell marginally to 60,000 in 2008 while farming employed around 23,000 in 2001, but the figure decreased slightly to 20,000 by the end of the period .
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview of the main trends. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Consider using more complex sentence structures to provide a more detailed analysis of the data.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe given bar chart illustrates statistics about the number of people employed in five different types of jobs in an Australian region over a 7-year period, from 2001 to 2008.
Remove the unnecessary dollar sign at the beginning of the sentence and the extra space after 'in'.
RevisedThe chart shows the number of people employed in five different types of jobs in a region in Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The sentence can be simplified by removing the unnecessary dollar sign at the beginning and the word 'work' after 'types of.'
RevisedFocusing on the increases first, in 2001, nearly 160,000 people were employed in sales. By 2008, the figure slightly increased to around 165,000, which was the highest proportion.
The sentence can be improved by focusing on the increase first and using a more precise comparative structure.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe given bar chart illustrates statistics about the number of people employed in five different types of jobs in an Australian region over a 7-year period, from 2001 to 2008.
The article 'a' before 'Australian' is incorrect and the phrase 'over 7 years period' should be 'over a 7-year period.'
RevisedRegarding nursing, around 30,000 people signed up for that particular field in 2001, before increasing to 60,000 in 2008.
The verb 'singed' is not correct in this context, the past tense of 'sign' should be used.
RevisedWhen it comes to decreases, starting with about 65,000 people in 2001, the number of people employed in accounting fell marginally to 60,000 in 2008. Meanwhile, the number of people employed in farming started at around 23,000 in 2001, but the figure decreased slightly to 20,000 by the end of the period.
The sentence contains several grammatical errors, the structure 'people applied to accounting' should be 'people employed in accounting' and the phrase 'but the figure decreased slightly to 20,000 by the end of the period' is more accurate.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in the use of vocabulary and collocation.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAs for computing, it ranked second, employing nearly 60,000 people in 2001 and increasing to more than 70,000 people in 2008.
The verb 'employing' should be used instead of 'with employing' and the phrase 'around more than' is redundant.
RevisedRegarding nursing, around 30,000 people signed up for that particular field in 2001, before increasing to 60,000 in 2008.
The phrase 'around more than' is redundant and the verb 'signed up' should be used instead of 'singed up.'
RevisedWhen it comes to decreases, starting with about 65,000 people in 2001, the number of people employed in accounting fell marginally to 60,000 in 2008. Meanwhile, the number of people employed in farming started at around 23,000 in 2001, but the figure decreased slightly to 20,000 by the end of the period.
The sentence can be improved by using more precise vocabulary, such as 'employed' instead of 'people applied to,' and providing a clearer sentence structure.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends, but the essay could be improved by providing more specific details and examples.
Suggestions
- Try to include more specific details and examples when describing the data.
- Make sure to fully explain all the data points in the chart.
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