Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #59, band 6.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
166 words. Marked by Axiom on 6 May 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1166 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar chart illustrates the number of individuals employed in five distinct job positions- sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming in a region of Australia over a period of seven years.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, it is evident that the sales section employed the highest number of individuals, whereas farming had the lowest.
Improved clarity and flow by rephrasing.
Meanwhile, the figure for computing and nursing was almost equal, each accounting for nearly 52000. In terms of accounting, at precisely 60000 individuals were occupied in this section.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn 2001, the sales sector had the highest number of employees, approximately 155,000 individuals.
Clarified the sentence structure for better coherence.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn stark contrast, the lowest number of individuals were employed in farming, at just above 20,000.
Improved lexical choice by using 'employed' instead of 'did'.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedBy 2008, the number of employees in the sales department slightly increased to around 164,000.
Corrected the sentence structure for clarity and coherence.
Lexical resource
RevisedSimilarly, the number of employees in computing and nursing rose moderately to nearly 61,000 and 60,000, respectively.
Enhanced lexical variety and accuracy.
Lexical resource
RevisedHowever, the number of individuals employed in farming and accounting decreased slightly to just under 20,000 and 60,000, respectively.
Corrected spelling and improved lexical precision.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is generally well-organized with clear progression of ideas. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother.
Suggestions
- Use more linking words to improve flow.
- Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea.
- Avoid abrupt transitions between ideas.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, it is evident that the sales section employed the highest number of individuals, whereas farming had the lowest.
Improved clarity and flow by rephrasing.
RevisedIn 2001, the sales sector had the highest number of employees, approximately 155,000 individuals.
Clarified the sentence structure for better coherence.
RevisedBy 2008, the number of employees in the sales department slightly increased to around 164,000.
Corrected the sentence structure for clarity and coherence.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a range of grammatical structures, but there are some errors affecting clarity.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, it is evident that the sales section employed the highest number of individuals, whereas farming had the lowest.
Corrected grammatical errors for clarity.
RevisedIn 2001, the sales sector had the highest number of employees, approximately 155,000 individuals.
Corrected grammatical errors and improved clarity.
RevisedBy 2008, the number of employees in the sales department slightly increased to around 164,000.
Corrected grammatical errors for improved clarity.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies and repetitions.
Sentence revisions 4
RevisedOverall, it is evident that the sales section employed the highest number of individuals, whereas farming had the lowest.
Replaced 'conspicuous' with 'evident' for better accuracy.
RevisedIn stark contrast, the lowest number of individuals were employed in farming, at just above 20,000.
Improved lexical choice by using 'employed' instead of 'did'.
RevisedSimilarly, the number of employees in computing and nursing rose moderately to nearly 61,000 and 60,000, respectively.
Enhanced lexical variety and accuracy.
RevisedHowever, the number of individuals employed in farming and accounting decreased slightly to just under 20,000 and 60,000, respectively.
Corrected spelling and improved lexical precision.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, summarizing the main features and making relevant comparisons.
Suggestions
- Ensure all data points are accurately reported.
- Avoid minor inaccuracies in figures.
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