Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #58, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
142 words. Marked by Axiom on 28 March 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1142 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe bar chart illustrates the number of workers employed in five different occupations (sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming) in a specific region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Corrects the occupations to match the chart and clarifies the sentence.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, it is apparent that sales workers constituted the largest group of employees, whereas farming had the least number of workers.
The revision provides a clearer transition and more precise language.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn 2001, sales were at the top with nearly 155,000 employees, and this number rose slightly to over 160,000 in 2008.
Clarifies the timeline and corrects the year mentioned.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe number of people employed in accounting remained the same in both years.
Improves clarity and grammatical accuracy.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn 2001, the number of employees in computing was lower than in 2008.
Simplifies the sentence structure and clarifies the comparison.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn 2001, nursing accounted for around 50,000 workers, and this number increased slightly by 0.5% in 2008.
Corrects the unclear reference to 'expenditure' and 'letter' and clarifies the meaning.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn 2001, the number of people employed in farming was just over 21,000, and it decreased slightly to just under 20,000 in 2008.
Clarifies the sentence and uses more precise language.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay presents information in a logical order but lacks clear linking words and cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use more linking words to connect ideas.
- Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea.
- Avoid abrupt transitions between ideas.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, it is apparent that sales workers constituted the largest group of employees, whereas farming had the least number of workers.
The revision provides a clearer transition and more precise language.
RevisedIn 2001, sales were at the top with nearly 155,000 employees, and this number rose slightly to over 160,000 in 2008.
Clarifies the timeline and corrects the year mentioned.
RevisedIn 2001, nursing accounted for around 50,000 workers, and this number increased slightly by 0.5% in 2008.
Corrects the unclear reference to 'expenditure' and 'letter' and clarifies the meaning.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay contains some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIn 2001, the number of employees in computing was lower than in 2008.
Corrects subject-verb agreement.
RevisedThe number of people employed in accounting remained the same in both years.
Improves clarity and grammatical accuracy.
RevisedIn 2001, sales were at the top with nearly 155,000 employees, and this number rose slightly to over 160,000 in 2008.
Corrects the year and clarifies the sentence structure.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The vocabulary is adequate but lacks variety and precision in some areas.
Sentence revisions 4
RevisedOverall, it is clear that sales workers had the highest employment numbers, whereas farming had the lowest.
Uses more precise vocabulary to describe the data.
RevisedIn 2001, the number of employees in computing was lower than in 2008.
Simplifies the sentence structure and clarifies the comparison.
RevisedIn 2001, the number of people employed in farming was just over 21,000, and it decreased slightly to just under 20,000 in 2008.
Clarifies the sentence and uses more precise language.
RevisedThe bar chart illustrates the number of workers employed in five different occupations (sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming) in a specific region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Corrects the occupations to match the chart and clarifies the sentence.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task but lacks some details and clarity in data description.
Suggestions
- Include more specific data points from the chart.
- Ensure all occupations are clearly described.
- Avoid vague references like 'expenditure' and 'letter'.
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