Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #14, band 5.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
175 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1175 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five types of work—sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming—in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The years were incorrectly stated; corrected to match the chart.
Overall, while figures for sales, nursing and especially computing , the reverse was true for accounting and farming. Noteworthy is the fact that sales showed the highest figures in each year studied while farming had the lowest.
Lexical resource
Revisedshowed an increase
Simplified the expression for clarity.
The number of people who employed in nursing saw a slight increase to about 5 000 and reached 60.000 in 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFocusing on the increases first, the number of people employed in computing rose from around 30,000 in 2001 to just under 80,000 in 2008.
Clarified and corrected the figures to match the chart.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn addition, figures for sales stood at just under 160,000 in 2001, but this was followed by a gradual growth to 170,000 in 2008.
Corrected the occupational category and figures to match the chart.
However, figures for accounting and farming . The figures for accounting stood at about 75.000 , but this was followed by a dramatic decrease to just under the 60.000 in 2008
Lexical resource
Reviseddecreased
Used a simpler and more direct term.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay shows a basic level of cohesion and coherence. There is an attempt to organize the information logically, but there are some inaccuracies in the description of trends and figures.
Suggestions
- Ensure accurate data interpretation.
- Use linking words more effectively to connect ideas.
- Clarify confusing sections.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five types of work—sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming—in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The years were incorrectly stated; corrected to match the chart.
RevisedFocusing on the increases first, the number of people employed in computing rose from around 30,000 in 2001 to just under 80,000 in 2008.
Clarified and corrected the figures to match the chart.
RevisedIn addition, figures for sales stood at just under 160,000 in 2001, but this was followed by a gradual growth to 170,000 in 2008.
Corrected the occupational category and figures to match the chart.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay contains frequent grammatical errors that may cause some difficulty for the reader. Sentence structures are repetitive and lack complexity.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe number of people employed in computing experienced a dramatic increase.
Corrected the passive voice error.
Revisedfigures for sales stood at just under 160,000
Corrected the number format and occupational category.
Revisedbut this was followed by a gradual growth to 50,000
Corrected the verb form and number format.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a limited range of vocabulary with some repetition. There are a few attempts at using less common vocabulary, but inaccuracies are present.
Sentence revisions 3
Revisedshowed an increase
Simplified the expression for clarity.
Reviseddecreased
Used a simpler and more direct term.
Revisedsignificant rise
Varied the vocabulary to reduce repetition.
Task achievement
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay attempts to address the task but contains inaccuracies in data reporting and interpretation. Some key details are missing or incorrect.
Suggestions
- Ensure all data is accurately reported.
- Include all relevant details from the chart.
- Avoid misinterpretation of trends.
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