Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #13, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
183 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1183 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The graph provides information about the number of people employed in five types of work - Sales , Accounting , Computing , Nursing and Farming - between 2001 and 2008 in Australia.
Overall, while the figures for Accounting and Farming experienced a downward trend , the reverse was true for Sales , Computing and Nursing.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIt is noteworthy that Sales consistently had the highest figures each year, while Farming had the lowest.
The sentence can be revised to improve clarity and to make the meaning more explicit.
Focusing on decreases first, despite there were 65,000 employed people in Accounting , the number of them decreased to 59, 000 in 2008. In addition, the figures for Farming stood at 25,000 in 2001 , but this was followed by a dramatic dicline to 19,000 in 2008.
However, the figures for Sales , Nursing and espicially Computing bucked the trend. The number of workers in Nursing had a slight increase about of 1.000 and hit 60.000 in 2008.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe number of Sales workers saw a slight increase, by about 7,000, and reached 165,000 in 2008.
The use of 'by' is necessary in this context to show the manner or degree of the increase.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe figures for Computing increased dramatically, reaching approximately 79,000 by the end of the period.
The use of 'to about' is not necessary and the term 'approximately' is more formal and appropriate for an academic essay.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe graph depicts the number of people employed in five different sectors - Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, and Farming - in Australia between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence can be revised to improve the flow of information and to make it more concise.
RevisedOverall, while the trends for Accounting and Farming were downward, Sales, Computing, and Nursing experienced the opposite.
The sentence can be revised to improve the clarity of the contrast being made.
RevisedIt is noteworthy that Sales consistently had the highest figures each year, while Farming had the lowest.
The sentence can be revised to improve clarity and to make the meaning more explicit.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there are a few instances of incorrect or awkward grammar.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedFocusing on the decreases first, despite there being 65,000 people employed in Accounting, the number decreased to 59,000 in 2008.
The phrase 'there were' is the correct form to use in this context.
RevisedIn addition, the figures for Farming stood at 25,000 in 2001, followed by a dramatic decline to 19,000 in 2008.
The word 'decline' is the correct spelling and it should be used in this context.
RevisedThe number of Sales workers saw a slight increase, by about 7,000, and reached 165,000 in 2008.
The use of 'by' is necessary in this context to show the manner or degree of the increase.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedHowever, the figures for Sales, Nursing, and especially Computing defied the trend.
The phrase 'bucked the trend' is not the most appropriate here. 'Defied the trend' would be a better choice.
RevisedThe number of Sales workers saw a slight increase to about 7,000, reaching 165,000 in 2008.
The use of 'about' and the decimal point after '7' is unnecessary and makes the sentence awkward.
RevisedThe figures for Computing increased dramatically, reaching approximately 79,000 by the end of the period.
The use of 'to about' is not necessary and the term 'approximately' is more formal and appropriate for an academic essay.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the graph and makes appropriate comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed explanations and by avoiding some of the more informal language.
Suggestions
- Provide more detailed explanations of the data and avoid informal language.
- Make sure to fully explain any trends or changes in the data.
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