Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #12, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
161 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1161 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five types of work—sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming—between 2001 and 2008 in Australia.
Corrected punctuation for clarity.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, computing, nursing, and especially sales showed an upward trend, whereas accounting and farming experienced declines.
Improved sentence structure for better coherence.
Lexical resource
RevisedIt is noteworthy that sales consistently had the highest figures each year, while farming had the lowest.
Rephrased for conciseness and variety.
Focusing on increases first, despite showing the highest figures in both years, the number of computing exhibited a dramatic increase of about 20 thousand and reached just under 80 thousand in 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe figure for nursing saw a slight increase of about 5 thousand, reaching approximately 20 thousand in 2008.
Clarified the sentence to avoid repetition and improve coherence.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHowever, accounting and farming bucked the trend. Farming decreased from about 20 thousand to 10 thousand, while accounting decreased by about 5 thousand, reaching 63 thousand in 2008.
Separated the ideas for clarity and corrected the farming figures.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay provides a general overview and attempts to describe trends. However, there are inconsistencies and missing details, particularly in the description of sales and farming.
Suggestions
- Include more precise data from the graph.
- Ensure logical flow and connection between sentences.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe figure for nursing saw a slight increase of about 5 thousand, reaching approximately 20 thousand in 2008.
Clarified the sentence to avoid repetition and improve coherence.
RevisedHowever, accounting and farming bucked the trend. Farming decreased from about 20 thousand to 10 thousand, while accounting decreased by about 5 thousand, reaching 63 thousand in 2008.
Separated the ideas for clarity and corrected the farming figures.
RevisedOverall, computing, nursing, and especially sales showed an upward trend, whereas accounting and farming experienced declines.
Improved sentence structure for better coherence.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
There are noticeable grammatical errors that affect clarity. Sentence structures are somewhat varied but can be improved.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five types of work—sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming—between 2001 and 2008 in Australia.
Corrected punctuation for clarity.
RevisedThe figure for nursing saw a slight increase of about 5 thousand, reaching approximately 20 thousand in 2008.
Corrected repetition and clarified the timeline.
RevisedHowever, accounting and farming bucked the trend: Farming decreased from about 20 thousand to 10 thousand, while accounting had a decrease of about 5 thousand, reaching 63 thousand in 2008.
Corrected the farming figures and improved sentence clarity.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the task, but there is some repetition and lack of variety.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIt is noteworthy that sales consistently had the highest figures each year, while farming had the lowest.
Rephrased for conciseness and variety.
RevisedThe number of people employed in computing exhibited a significant increase of approximately 20 thousand.
Added clarity and specificity to the description.
RevisedFocusing on increases first, computing showed a dramatic rise of about 20 thousand, despite already having high figures in both years.
Improved sentence structure and lexical variety.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task but lacks detailed and accurate information from the graph. Some data is misrepresented or omitted.
Suggestions
- Include accurate data for each category.
- Ensure all trends are clearly described with supporting figures.
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