Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #11, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
145 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1145 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different types of work in Australia from 2001 to 2008.
Noteworthy is the fact that sales showed the highest figure and farming is the lowest.
Lexical resource
RevisedOverall, while the figures for accounting and farming showed a downward trend, the reverse was true for sales, computing, and nursing.
The phrase 'the figure for accounting and farming' is not clear. It would be better to specify that they are both showing a downward trend.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFocusing on the decrease first, the number of people in accounting shows a significant decrease from just under 70,000 in 2001 to just under 60,000 in 2008.
Added a comma after 'decrease' and removed the unnecessary 'about' to improve the sentence.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe figure for farming, which was about 30,000 in 2001, followed by a decrease to just under 20,000 in 2008.
Added a comma and a follow-up of the decrease to make the sentence more coherent.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHowever, sales, computing, and nursing show the highest figures.
Used a comma after 'however' and made the nouns plural to improve the sentence.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe figure for sales went from 150,000 in 2001 to 165,000 in 2008.
The use of a period instead of a comma is incorrect. In this case, '150,000' should be used.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe number of people employed in computing increased from 60,000 in 2001 to 80,000 in 2008.
The sentence is grammatically incorrect. It should be 'the number of people employed in computing increased from 60,000 in 2001 to 80,000 in 2008.'
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview of the main trends. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedFocusing on the decrease first, the number of people in accounting shows a significant decrease from just under 70,000 in 2001 to just under 60,000 in 2008.
Added a comma after 'decrease' and removed the unnecessary 'about' to improve the sentence.
RevisedThe figure for farming, which was about 30,000 in 2001, followed by a decrease to just under 20,000 in 2008.
Added a comma and a follow-up of the decrease to make the sentence more coherent.
RevisedHowever, sales, computing, and nursing show the highest figures.
Used a comma after 'however' and made the nouns plural to improve the sentence.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay makes use of a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there is some evidence of a range of grammatical structures. However, there are several grammatical errors that need to be addressed.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThe figure for sales went from 150,000 in 2001 to 165,000 in 2008.
The use of a period instead of a comma is incorrect. In this case, '150,000' should be used.
RevisedThe number of people employed in computing increased from 60,000 in 2001 to 80,000 in 2008.
The verb 'increase' should be changed to 'increased' to match the past tense of the surrounding context. Additionally, 'numbet' is a typo and should be 'number'.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common and/or more complex vocabulary. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases that need to be addressed.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe figure for farming, which was about 30,000 in 2001, followed by a decrease to just under 20,000 in 2008.
The phrase 'followed by decrease to' is not grammatically correct. It should be 'followed by a decrease to'.
RevisedThe number of people employed in computing increased from 60,000 in 2001 to 80,000 in 2008.
The sentence is grammatically incorrect. It should be 'the number of people employed in computing increased from 60,000 in 2001 to 80,000 in 2008.'
RevisedOverall, while the figures for accounting and farming showed a downward trend, the reverse was true for sales, computing, and nursing.
The phrase 'the figure for accounting and farming' is not clear. It would be better to specify that they are both showing a downward trend.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends and makes some relevant comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed information and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide more detailed information and make more specific comparisons.
- Use a wider range of structures to discuss the data.
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