Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #10, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
152 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1152 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Bar graph provides information about how many people employed in 5 types of work— sales, accounting, computing, nursing, farming between 2001 and 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, while the figures for sales, nursing, and especially computing experienced an upward trend, the opposite was true for accounting and farming.
Corrected 'reserve' to 'opposite' for clarity.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedSales showed the highest numbers in both years.
Clarified sentence structure.
Focusing on decreases first, there was a slight decrease in the number of people who work in accounting from about 70.000 to just under 60 000 in 2008.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe number of workers in farming stood at about 50,000 in 2001, followed by a significant decrease to about 20,000.
Corrected preposition and added punctuation for clarity.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedSales not only showed the highest numbers in that period but also grew from about 155,000 in 2001 to just over 160,000 in 2008.
Improved sentence structure and corrected tense.
Lexical resource
RevisedComputing experienced the largest increase, from just under 60,000 to 80,000.
Replaced 'biggest change' with 'largest increase' for precision.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay generally follows a logical structure, but clarity can be improved. Some sentences lack smooth transitions.
Suggestions
- Use linking words for better flow.
- Ensure all data is clearly explained.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, while the figures for sales, nursing, and especially computing experienced an upward trend, the opposite was true for accounting and farming.
Corrected 'reserve' to 'opposite' for clarity.
RevisedSales showed the highest numbers in both years.
Clarified sentence structure.
RevisedSales not only showed the highest numbers in that period but also grew from about 155,000 in 2001 to just over 160,000 in 2008.
Improved sentence structure and corrected tense.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
There are several grammatical errors and awkward structures that affect comprehension.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about how many people were employed in five types of work.
Added 'were' to correct verb tense.
RevisedNot only did sales show the highest numbers in that period, but it also grew from about 155,000 to just over 160,000.
Corrected verb tense and placement of 'also'.
RevisedThe number of workers in farming stood at about 50,000 in 2001, followed by a significant decrease to about 20,000.
Corrected preposition and added punctuation for clarity.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The lexical resource is adequate but lacks variety. Some word choices are incorrect.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five types of work.
Added 'the' for specificity and spelled out numbers for formality.
RevisedThe opposite was true for accounting and farming.
Replaced 'reserve' with 'opposite' for clarity.
RevisedComputing experienced the largest increase, from just under 60,000 to 80,000.
Replaced 'biggest change' with 'largest increase' for precision.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The response addresses the task but lacks detailed analysis. Some data is not clearly presented.
Suggestions
- Include more specific data points.
- Ensure all information is accurate and clearly explained.
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