Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #9, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
160 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1160 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five types of work — sales, accounting, computing, nursing and farming — between 2001 and 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, the figures for computing, nursing, and especially sales showed an upward trend, while the reverse was true for accounting and farming.
This revision corrects the use of the singular article 'a' before 'upward trend' and makes the sentence more clear and concise.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIt is noteworthy that sales had the highest figures in each year, while farming had the lowest.
This revision makes the sentence more clear and concise, and corrects the use of the past perfect tense with 'had showed'.
The figure for nursing saw a slight increase of about 5 thousand in 2008 to about 20 thousand in 2008.
Lexical resource
RevisedFocusing on the increases first, despite being the highest in both years, the number of people employed in computing increased dramatically by about 20 thousand, reaching just under 80 thousand in 2008.
This revision makes the sentence more formal and appropriate for an IELTS report.
Lexical resource
RevisedHowever, accounting and farming bucked the trend: while the figures for farming decreased the most, going from about 30 thousand in 2001 to just about 5 thousand in 2008, accounting showed a decrease of about 5 thousand, hitting 63 thousand in 2008.
This revision makes the sentence more formal and appropriate for an IELTS report, and corrects the structure of the sentence.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview of the data. The information is sequenced in a way that makes it easy to follow the trends, but there are a few areas where the flow of information could be improved.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to make the relationships between the ideas more explicit.
- Consider using more varied linking words to connect your ideas and sentences.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different sectors in Australia in 2001 and 2008: sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming.
This revision provides more context and makes the sentence more formal, which is more appropriate for an IELTS report.
RevisedOverall, the figures for computing, nursing, and especially sales showed an upward trend, while the reverse was true for accounting and farming.
This revision corrects the use of the singular article 'a' before 'upward trend' and makes the sentence more clear and concise.
RevisedIt is noteworthy that sales had the highest figures in each year, while farming had the lowest.
This revision makes the sentence more clear and concise, and corrects the use of the past perfect tense with 'had showed'.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are error-free. However, there are a few grammatical errors that could be addressed.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five types of work — sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming — between 2001 and 2008.
This revision corrects the use of the serial comma, making the sentence more grammatically accurate.
RevisedOverall, while the figures for computing, nursing, and especially sales registered an upward trend, the reverse was true for accounting and farming.
This revision corrects the use of the indefinite article 'a' before 'upward trend', making the sentence more grammatically accurate.
RevisedIt is a fact that sales showed the highest figures in each year, while farming had the lowest.
This revision makes the sentence more formal and academic, and corrects the use of the past perfect tense with 'had showed'.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of informal language that could be improved.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedFocusing on the increases first, despite being the highest in both years, the number of people employed in computing increased dramatically by about 20 thousand, reaching just under 80 thousand in 2008.
This revision makes the sentence more formal and appropriate for an IELTS report.
RevisedHowever, accounting and farming bucked the trend: while the figures for farming decreased the most, going from about 30 thousand in 2001 to just about 5 thousand in 2008, accounting showed a decrease of about 5 thousand, hitting 63 thousand in 2008.
This revision makes the sentence more formal and appropriate for an IELTS report, and corrects the structure of the sentence.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the trends and makes appropriate comparisons. The information is accurately and appropriately used from the chart. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the trends and comparisons made.
Suggestions
- Include specific data from the chart to support your trends and comparisons.
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