Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #8, band 5.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
131 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1131 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five types of works which sales, accounting, computing, nursing, farming between 2001 and 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, the figures show a downward trend for accounting and farming, while the reverse was true for sales, computing, and nursing, which had the lowest figures.
The sentence can be revised to improve clarity and to correct the misuse of the word 'reverse'.
Lexical resource
RevisedStarting with the fields that experienced a decrease, despite having the highest figures, the number of accounting workers saw a gradual decrease of about 20%, reaching just under 60. In addition, the figures for farming workers, which stood at 30%, followed a gradual decrease of 16% in 2001.
The sentence can be revised to correct the awkward and unclear phrasing.
Hence, the number of computing saw remarkebly increase at 21% in 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn contrast, the figures for sales showed a slight increase to 21% in 2008.
The sentence can be revised to improve clarity and to correct the misuse of the phrase 'slight increase'.
Lexical resource
RevisedSimilarly, the figures for nursing showed a slight increase of 8% in the same year.
The sentence can be revised to correct the awkward and unclear phrasing.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay has a clear overall structure with an introduction, an overview, and body paragraphs. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different fields: sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming, between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence can be revised to improve clarity and to use more precise language.
RevisedOverall, the figures show a downward trend for accounting and farming, while the reverse was true for sales, computing, and nursing, which had the lowest figures.
The sentence can be revised to improve clarity and to correct the misuse of the word 'reverse'.
RevisedIn contrast, the figures for sales showed a slight increase to 21% in 2008.
The sentence can be revised to improve clarity and to correct the misuse of the phrase 'slight increase'.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay makes use of a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there is some evidence of a range of grammatical structures. However, there are several grammatical errors that can be distracting for the reader.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five types of work: sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming, between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence can be revised to correct the grammatical error with the phrase 'types of works'.
RevisedOverall, the figures for accounting and farming show a downward trend, while the reverse was true for sales, computing, and nursing, which had the lowest figures.
The sentence can be revised to correct the grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.
RevisedIn contrast, the figures for sales showed a slight increase, at 21% in 2008.
The sentence can be revised to correct the grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.
Lexical resource
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common and/or more complex vocabulary. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases that reduce the overall effectiveness of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedStarting with the fields that experienced a decrease, despite having the highest figures, the number of accounting workers saw a gradual decrease of about 20%, reaching just under 60. In addition, the figures for farming workers, which stood at 30%, followed a gradual decrease of 16% in 2001.
The sentence can be revised to correct the awkward and unclear phrasing.
RevisedIn contrast, the figures for sales showed a slight increase, at 21% in 2008.
The sentence can be revised to correct the misuse of the phrase 'slight increase'.
RevisedSimilarly, the figures for nursing showed a slight increase of 8% in the same year.
The sentence can be revised to correct the awkward and unclear phrasing.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay provides an overview of the information presented in the graph and makes some comparisons. However, the task could be more fully covered by providing more detailed comparisons and analysis of the data.
Suggestions
- Provide more detailed comparisons and analysis of the data. Try to make more connections between the different sets of figures.
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