Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #54, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
203 words. Marked by Axiom on 15 February 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1203 words
TASK 1: The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe line graph presents data on the number of people employed in five different types of work in a region of Australia in the years 2001 and 2008.
This revision provides a more formal and precise introduction to the topic.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, the sales sector had the highest number of employed individuals over the given period, standing out among the other work categories.
This revision clarifies the information and improves the formal tone of the essay.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn 2001 and 2008, accounting, nursing, and farming showed somewhat similar employment patterns, with the figures for farming being the lowest.
This revision corrects the repetition of 'accounting' and clarifies the comparison between the three job types.
By contrast , Proportion of people who found their career path in computing job witnessed an increase from 60.000 to 80.000 in 2008 .
Lexical resource
RevisedStarting at around 150,000 in 2002, the number of people employed in the sales sector noticeably increased to about 164,000 in 2008, peaking at the end of the period.
This revision provides a more natural and precise expression of the ideas.
In 2001 , around 25.000 people employed in farming sector and then the figure decreased steadily, making up below 20.000.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe number of people employed in the accounting sector started above 64,000 in 2001 but experienced a slight dip, reaching 60,000.
This revision provides a more natural and precise expression of the ideas.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe number of employees doing nursing jobs experienced a gradual increase from 60,000 to 61,000.
This revision corrects the incorrect use of the term 'employess' and the phrase 'doing nursing jobs'.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe line graph presents data on the number of people employed in five different types of work in a region of Australia in the years 2001 and 2008.
This revision provides a more formal and precise introduction to the topic.
RevisedOverall, the sales sector had the highest number of employed individuals over the given period, standing out among the other work categories.
This revision clarifies the information and improves the formal tone of the essay.
RevisedIn 2001 and 2008, accounting, nursing, and farming showed somewhat similar employment patterns, with the figures for farming being the lowest.
This revision corrects the repetition of 'accounting' and clarifies the comparison between the three job types.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are grammatically correct. However, there are a few errors that affect the clarity of the writing.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe line graph displays statistics on the number of people who were employed in 5 types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
This revision corrects the omission of the article 'the' at the beginning of the sentence.
RevisedOverall, the figure for the sales sector stood out among other types of work categories with the highest rates over the period of the timeframe.
This revision corrects the omission of the article 'the' before 'sales sector' and improves the use of the phrase 'over the period of time'.
RevisedThe number of employees doing nursing jobs experienced a gradual increase from 60,000 to 61,000.
This revision corrects the incorrect use of the term 'employess' and the phrase 'doing nursing jobs'.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few awkward or incorrect word choices.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe employment figures for accounting, nursing, and farming in 2001 and 2008 showed somewhat similar patterns, with the figure for farming being the lowest.
This revision corrects the repetition of 'accounting' and clarifies the comparison between the three job types.
RevisedStarting at around 150,000 in 2002, the number of people employed in the sales sector noticeably increased to about 164,000 in 2008, peaking at the end of the period.
This revision provides a more natural and precise expression of the ideas.
RevisedThe number of people employed in the accounting sector started above 64,000 in 2001 but experienced a slight dip, reaching 60,000.
This revision provides a more natural and precise expression of the ideas.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the graph and makes relevant comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis and by ensuring that all parts of the task are fully addressed.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the data, including explanations for the trends and patterns observed.
- Ensure that all parts of the task are fully addressed by providing a comprehensive comparison of the data.
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