Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #56, band 7.0

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

209 words. Marked by Axiom on 20 March 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

The bar chart this answer describes

Values in people. Values approximate: read from the original chart, not printed on it.

Show the data

Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart) (people)
	2001	2008
Sales	155,000	165,000
Accounting	66,000	58,000
Computing	59,000	79,000
Nursing	56,000	60,000
Farming	29,000	19,000

Academic Task 1209 words

The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart provides information about the employment rates in five types of job in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008. Overall, while almost all jobs hired the same number of individuals in both periods, the employment rates were little higher in some jobs in 2008, compared to the figures in 2001.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedOverall, while almost all jobs hired a similar number of individuals in both periods, employment rates were slightly higher in some jobs in 2008 compared to 2001.
Improved sentence structure for clarity.

The number of people employed in sales in 2008 was slightly higher, when compared to the figures in 2001, with the former at about 163,000 and the latter at roughly 157,000, making both figures the highest in both periods. However, the figure for individuals who have a position in accounting in 2001 was approximately 64,000 which was marginally higher than the number of people occupied for this sector in 2008 (60,000). Meanwhile, there was a noticeable gap between the number of people hired in computing in 2001 and 2008, with the first at 60,000 and the second at 80,000.

Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedThe number of people employed in sales in 2008 was slightly higher compared to 2001, with approximately 163,000 in 2008 and 157,000 in 2001, making these the highest figures in both periods.
Simplified sentence structure for clarity.
Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedHowever, the number of individuals employed in accounting in 2001 was approximately 64,000, slightly higher than the 60,000 in 2008.
Improved vocabulary and sentence structure for clarity.
Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedThere was a noticeable increase in the number of people hired in computing from 60,000 in 2001 to 80,000 in 2008.
Clarified the comparison for better coherence.

Similarly, the number of individuals occupied in nursing in 2001 was 60,000 and this figure in 2008 was around 62,000, making the latter slightly higher. In contrast, the figure for people employed in farming in 2001 was larger than the number of people hired in this job sector in 2008, with roughly 25,000 and 20,000 respectively.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedSimilarly, the number of individuals employed in nursing increased slightly from 60,000 in 2001 to around 62,000 in 2008.
Simplified sentence for better flow.
Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedIn contrast, the number of people employed in farming decreased from approximately 25,000 in 2001 to 20,000 in 2008.
Improved sentence structure for clarity and accuracy.

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay is generally well-organized with clear comparisons and contrasts between the employment figures for 2001 and 2008. However, some sentences could be better connected to enhance the flow of information.

Suggestions

Use more linking words to connect ideas.
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea.
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedOverall, while almost all jobs hired a similar number of individuals in both periods, employment rates were slightly higher in some jobs in 2008 compared to 2001.
Improved sentence structure for clarity.
RevisedThere was a noticeable increase in the number of people hired in computing from 60,000 in 2001 to 80,000 in 2008.
Clarified the comparison for better coherence.
RevisedSimilarly, the number of individuals employed in nursing increased slightly from 60,000 in 2001 to around 62,000 in 2008.
Simplified sentence for better flow.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with occasional errors that do not impede understanding.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedThe number of people employed in sales in 2008 was slightly higher compared to 2001, with approximately 163,000 in 2008 and 157,000 in 2001, making these the highest figures in both periods.
Simplified sentence structure for clarity.
RevisedThere was a noticeable increase in the number of people hired in computing from 60,000 in 2001 to 80,000 in 2008.
Corrected sentence structure for better grammatical accuracy.
RevisedIn contrast, the number of people employed in farming decreased from approximately 25,000 in 2001 to 20,000 in 2008.
Improved sentence structure for clarity and accuracy.

Lexical resource

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay uses a range of vocabulary appropriate for the task, but some words and phrases are repetitive.

Sentence revisions 4

RevisedThe number of people employed in sales in 2008 was slightly higher compared to 2001.
Removed unnecessary words for conciseness.
RevisedSimilarly, the number of individuals employed in nursing rose from 60,000 in 2001 to around 62,000 in 2008.
Used varied vocabulary to avoid repetition.
RevisedHowever, the number of individuals employed in accounting in 2001 was approximately 64,000, slightly higher than the 60,000 in 2008.
Improved vocabulary and sentence structure for clarity.
RevisedOverall, while most jobs employed a similar number of individuals in both periods, employment rates were slightly higher in some jobs in 2008 compared to 2001.
Improved vocabulary for precision.

Task achievement

Band 8.0/ 9

The essay effectively summarizes the main features of the chart and makes relevant comparisons.

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