Technology and relationships: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.5

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

357 words. Marked by Axiom on 22 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

Task 2357 words

Some people think that the modern technology is having negative effect on social relationships. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

These days the way we communicate is changing with the advent of new technologies. Some people argue that this trend is negative, since these technologies bring about a lack of face to face interaction and some misunderstandings while we are engaging in conversation. I disagree with this idea, as modern tools make the process faster and easier and provide us with wider circle.

Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedI disagree with this perspective, as modern tools not only expedite the process and simplify tasks, but also expand our social circles.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity and formality of the expression.

On the one hand, I believe that new technologies have improved the way we communicate. Firstly, you can save your valuable time thanks to these tools. This means you no longer have to travel to meet someone nor do you have to wait a suitable time to connect. You can easily call or send a message to anyone you need in order to have a word with them. Furthermore, making a phone call makes it easier for people, especially those who live far from their relatives, to stay connected. For instance, in my city there are a lot of people coming from the countryside, and they easily keep in touch with their family members and friends. Additionally, these state-of-the-art systems offer a wider range of communication options. If you want to step out of your comfort zone and talk to different kinds of people, cutting-edge technology gives you the opportunity. You can have a conversation with people living in foreign countries, which will be helpful you make new friends.

Coherence & cohesion
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RevisedI am of the belief that new technologies have enhanced our communication.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone.
Grammar & accuracy
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RevisedFor instance, many people in my city, particularly those from the countryside, maintain close ties with their family and friends through these technologies.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and improves the formality and clarity of the expression.

On the other hand, it is undeniable that, this trend has its drawbacks. One of the main disadvantages is the lack of in person communication. There are some people who hardly do meet with their relatives. They prefer phoning instead of visiting their relatives’ houses, which leads to forget about their relationships. By the same token, online interaction might cause misunderstandings among people. As there is nothing perfect, every type of technology could make mistakes while being used. There can be errors, such as changing tones or words making peoples’ speech confusing.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedConversely, it is important to acknowledge the drawbacks of this trend.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition to the contrasting point.
Lexical resource
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RevisedThey opt for phone calls over in-person visits, which may lead to neglecting their relationships.
The revised sentence provides a more precise and natural phrasing.
Grammar & accuracy
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RevisedNo technology is perfect, and each can potentially make mistakes when in use.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the formality and clarity of the expression.
Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedThere may be errors, such as tone or word choice changes that can cause confusion in people's communication.
The revised sentence provides a more precise and natural phrasing.

In conclusion, although there are some negative effects of modern tools on social relationships, I am of the opinion that they are beneficial so as to make our conversation faster, easier and broader.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedIn conclusion, despite the potential negative effects of modern tools on social relationships, I firmly believe in their benefits, which include making our conversations faster, easier, and more diverse.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone, and the use of 'despite' and 'which' enhances the coherence of the conclusion.

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 8.0/ 9

The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion are clearly presented. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved.

Suggestions

Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
Ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the key points of your argument.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedI am of the belief that new technologies have enhanced our communication.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone.
RevisedConversely, it is important to acknowledge the drawbacks of this trend.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition to the contrasting point.
RevisedIn conclusion, despite the potential negative effects of modern tools on social relationships, I firmly believe in their benefits, which include making our conversations faster, easier, and more diverse.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone, and the use of 'despite' and 'which' enhances the coherence of the conclusion.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay demonstrates a good control of a range of grammatical structures, with only minor errors. However, there are a few sentences that could be rephrased for clarity.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedI disagree with this perspective, as modern tools not only expedite the process and simplify tasks, but also expand our social circles.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity and formality of the expression.
RevisedFor instance, many people in my city, particularly those from the countryside, maintain close ties with their family and friends through these technologies.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and improves the formality and clarity of the expression.
RevisedNo technology is perfect, and each can potentially make mistakes when in use.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the formality and clarity of the expression.

Lexical resource

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedOur mode of communication is evolving due to the introduction of new technologies.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone.
RevisedThey opt for phone calls over in-person visits, which may lead to neglecting their relationships.
The revised sentence provides a more precise and natural phrasing.
RevisedThere may be errors, such as tone or word choice changes that can cause confusion in people's communication.
The revised sentence provides a more precise and natural phrasing.

Task response

Band 8.0/ 9

The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. The arguments are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. However, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the key points of the argument.

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