Road safety and punishment: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.0

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

298 words. Marked by Axiom on 2 August 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

Task 2298 words

The only way to improve safety in our roads is to give stricter punishment for driving offenses. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many people believe that the unique strategy for enhancing our road safety is to establish stricter penalties for driving faults. This essay agrees with this statement because this might lead to a reduction of accidents on the highways and increases public awareness due to heavy disciplines.

Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedThis essay agrees with this statement because it suggests that stricter penalties could lead to a reduction in highway accidents and an increase in public awareness due to the severity of the punishments.
The original sentence is somewhat unclear and awkward. The revision provides a more precise explanation.

To begin with, nowadays, as the population rate is expanding worldwide, and this means that the road accident rates rise is also inevitable. Thus, by all means, making drivers more concentrated on the road during their commute is extremely crucial to avoid any traffic collisions. Moreover, more than half of all road traffic deaths are among vulnerable road users, including pedestrians, cyclists and motorcyclists. Therefore, for these reasons, government should consider different such factors and conceive a concept to address the issue. For example, in order to decrease road incidents level and enhance its safety, authorities may establish policies of applying hefty debt sanctions or subjecting liable driver to a long-term prison for being restless or blundering on the roads that can cause severe fatal car crashes.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedTo begin with, with the population increasing worldwide, a concomitant rise in road accident rates is becoming more inevitable.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear.
Grammar & accuracy
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RevisedMoreover, vulnerable road users, including pedestrians, cyclists, and motorcyclists, account for more than half of all road traffic deaths.
The revised sentence corrects the placement of the introductory phrase, making the sentence clearer and more concise.
Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedFor example, to reduce the number of road accidents and improve safety, authorities could implement policies that impose heavy fines or long-term prison sentences for drivers who cause severe, fatal car crashes.
The revised sentence is clearer and uses more precise language.

Furthermore, implementing harsh punishments for mistakes which are done on the traffics raises public awareness, because when stricter laws and penalties are set people would know the seriousness of driving offences, and then they might start to focus on their road transits, as a result, leading to a cultural shift towards more responsible driving habits. For instance, The road toll in the United Arab Emirates has fallen by two thirds since 2010 on the back of stricter penalties, together with road safety campaigns and tighter car safety standards.

Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedThe number of road accidents in the United Arab Emirates has decreased by two thirds since 2010, thanks to stricter penalties, as well as road safety campaigns and enhanced car safety standards.
The term 'road toll' can be ambiguous and is not the most precise term to use in this context. The revision provides a clearer explanation.

In conclusion, I strongly agree with the view that punishing drivers for their reckless movements on the roads, as this can cause a declining of road incidents and levying heavy punishments raises people's cautiousness on their driveways.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedIn conclusion, I strongly agree that imposing stricter punishments for driving offenses can lead to a decrease in road incidents, as it heightens public awareness and encourages more cautious behavior on the roads.
The revised sentence is clearer and more concise, and it uses more appropriate terminology.

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction clearly states the position, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive. Ensuring a clear progression of ideas will make the essay more cohesive.

Suggestions

Use a variety of linking words to connect your ideas.
Ensure that your conclusion fully summarizes the main points of your essay.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedTo begin with, with the population increasing worldwide, a concomitant rise in road accident rates is becoming more inevitable.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear.
RevisedFurthermore, implementing harsh punishments for traffic violations can significantly raise public awareness.
The term 'mistakes which are done on the traffics' is awkward and unclear. The revision provides a more precise explanation.
RevisedIn conclusion, I strongly agree that imposing stricter punishments for driving offenses can lead to a decrease in road incidents, as it heightens public awareness and encourages more cautious behavior on the roads.
The revised sentence is clearer and more concise, and it uses more appropriate terminology.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay uses a variety of complex sentence structures and is mostly free from grammatical errors. However, there are a few minor errors that do not significantly impact the overall clarity of the essay. The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar, but there are some errors in sentence structure and tense consistency. For example, "For these reasons, government should consider different such factors and conceive a concept to address the issue" should be "For these reasons, the government should consider these factors and conceive a concept to address the issue." Paying closer attention to grammatical accuracy, including correct verb forms and preposition usage, will improve the overall quality of the essay.

Sentence revisions 2

RevisedThis essay agrees with this statement because it suggests that stricter penalties could lead to a reduction in highway accidents and an increase in public awareness due to the severity of the punishments.
The original sentence is somewhat unclear and awkward. The revision provides a more precise explanation.
RevisedMoreover, vulnerable road users, including pedestrians, cyclists, and motorcyclists, account for more than half of all road traffic deaths.
The revised sentence corrects the placement of the introductory phrase, making the sentence clearer and more concise.

Lexical resource

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay uses a variety of vocabulary, but there are instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. For example, "hefty debt sanctions" should be "hefty fines or sanctions," and "subjecting liable driver to a long-term prison" should be "subjecting the liable driver to long-term imprisonment." Improving lexical precision and avoiding incorrect terms will enhance the clarity and professionalism of the essay.

Sentence revisions 2

RevisedFor example, to reduce the number of road accidents and improve safety, authorities could implement policies that impose heavy fines or long-term prison sentences for drivers who cause severe, fatal car crashes.
The revised sentence is clearer and uses more precise language.
RevisedThe number of road accidents in the United Arab Emirates has decreased by two thirds since 2010, thanks to stricter penalties, as well as road safety campaigns and enhanced car safety standards.
The term 'road toll' can be ambiguous and is not the most precise term to use in this context. The revision provides a clearer explanation.

Task response

Band 8.0/ 9

The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position and supporting it with relevant examples and explanations. The writer provides a well-structured argument, discussing the importance of driver awareness and the impact of stricter penalties on public behavior. The essay could benefit from a more detailed exploration of potential counterarguments to provide a more balanced perspective. Additionally, the conclusion could be more comprehensive in summarizing the main points and reinforcing the position more strongly. Incorporating a discussion of potential drawbacks to the proposed solution and strengthening the conclusion will enhance the overall effectiveness of the essay in addressing the task.

Suggestions

Consider addressing potential counterarguments to provide a more balanced perspective.
Ensure that the conclusion fully summarizes the main points of the essay and reinforces the position.

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