Road safety and punishment: IELTS Task 2 essay #4, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
351 words. Marked by Axiom on 10 February 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2351 words
The only way to improve safety in our roads is to give stricter punishment for driving offenses. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, road safety sparks speculations about mediums to improve it. Some people promote the idea that more violent penalties on drivers can ensure road safety. I adhere to the opinion, that these innovations can stimulate drivers to commit fewer offenses, but can't guarantee maximum road safety.
But the reverse is also true, due to many drivers prefer to rely more on their experience and abilities than on the law. Having high self-confidence and failing to realize the aftermath, they tend to make risky decisions which can lead to the tragic outcomes. Eventually, it led to a decline in accidents on roads and overall improvements in terms of safety road
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the one hand, strict punishments can motivate drivers to be more attentive to road rules and increase their concentration while driving.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct connection between the ideas.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedA lot of accidents result from non-compliance with the rules, indicating that poor driving skills are not the only factor in causing accidents.
The revised sentence corrects the incomplete comparison and provides a more accurate and clear explanation of the point being made.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIt is believed that greater punishments, such as fines or even imprisonment, can discourage these reckless drivers.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing, making the point being made more clear and concise.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis strategy has been proven in Japan, where even minor offenses can result in the suspension of a driver's license.
The revised sentence uses more appropriate language to convey the intended meaning.
It's essential not to neglect the human factor and the element of randomness on roads.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the other hand, it is important to note that not all accidents are a result of non-compliance with the rules.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition to the contrasting point that will be made in the following sentences.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIt is believed that cars are the most dangerous type of transport, not only because a high level of skill is required to operate them, but also due to the risks posed to other drivers and the potential impact of external factors such as weather. Other drivers can create dangerous situations that ultimately lead to accidents, or extreme weather conditions such as tornadoes and hurricanes can obstruct the driver's vision.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, making the point being made more clear and concise.
Lexical resource
RevisedBy improving transportation infrastructure as a whole, the impact of these unpredictable factors can be minimized, resulting in a more significant and lasting effect.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct explanation of the point being made.
Lexical resource
RevisedFor example, in the USA, where tornadoes are a common hazard, many roads are equipped with lights that delineate the edges of the road, and cars are required to have powerful headlights to enhance visibility.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear explanation of the point being made.
Improvements in transportation and infrastructure as a whole can have more significant effect on increasing road safety.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, while introducing more severe penalties may encourage some people to take the rules more seriously, its overall effectiveness is limited.
The revised sentence provides a more comprehensive conclusion, summarizing the main points that have been made in the essay.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. Clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and more explicit linking phrases would help guide the reader through the essay. Ensuring consistent punctuation and spacing will also improve readability.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
- Make sure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOn the one hand, strict punishments can motivate drivers to be more attentive to road rules and increase their concentration while driving.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct connection between the ideas.
RevisedOn the other hand, it is important to note that not all accidents are a result of non-compliance with the rules.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition to the contrasting point that will be made in the following sentences.
RevisedIn conclusion, while introducing more severe penalties may encourage some people to take the rules more seriously, its overall effectiveness is limited.
The revised sentence provides a more comprehensive conclusion, summarizing the main points that have been made in the essay.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors that need to be addressed. The essay contains a few grammatical errors that affect clarity and readability. For example, "this strategy have been proven in Japan" should be "this strategy has been proven in Japan." Paying closer attention to grammatical accuracy, including subject-verb agreement and correct use of articles, will improve the overall quality of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedA lot of accidents result from non-compliance with the rules, indicating that poor driving skills are not the only factor in causing accidents.
The revised sentence corrects the incomplete comparison and provides a more accurate and clear explanation of the point being made.
RevisedIt is believed that cars are the most dangerous type of transport, not only because a high level of skill is required to operate them, but also due to the risks posed to other drivers and the potential impact of external factors such as weather. Other drivers can create dangerous situations that ultimately lead to accidents, or extreme weather conditions such as tornadoes and hurricanes can obstruct the driver's vision.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, making the point being made more clear and concise.
RevisedIt is believed that greater punishments, such as fines or even imprisonment, can discourage these reckless drivers.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing, making the point being made more clear and concise.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical resource, but there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choices. For example, "this strategy have been proven in Japan" should be "this strategy has been proven in Japan." Improving the variety and appropriateness of vocabulary will enhance the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, ensuring correct spelling and grammar usage will improve clarity and readability.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThis strategy has been proven in Japan, where even minor offenses can result in the suspension of a driver's license.
The revised sentence uses more appropriate language to convey the intended meaning.
RevisedBy improving transportation infrastructure as a whole, the impact of these unpredictable factors can be minimized, resulting in a more significant and lasting effect.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct explanation of the point being made.
RevisedFor example, in the USA, where tornadoes are a common hazard, many roads are equipped with lights that delineate the edges of the road, and cars are required to have powerful headlights to enhance visibility.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear explanation of the point being made.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed in places. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument and providing a clear personal opinion. The writer presents a balanced view, acknowledging the effectiveness of stricter punishments in stimulating safer driving habits but also recognizing the importance of addressing other factors such as transportation infrastructure. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the writer's stance.
Suggestions
- Make sure to fully develop your arguments and provide sufficient support for your position.
- Consider addressing potential counterarguments to strengthen your position.
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