Road safety and punishment: IELTS Task 2 essay #3, band 4.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
255 words. Marked by Axiom on 22 September 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2255 words
The only way to improve safety in our roads is to give stricter punishment for driving offenses. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a notion that giving strict punishments is the only method to get better safety on our roads. Personally, I completely agree, and there are numerous reasons for this belief.
Many people claim that the government should give strict punishments to the ones who do not obey the rules. For instance, the one did not obey the rules and reached the speed limit. Then, the police must get him to the prison and should punish him in the same way as other prisoners. After being in prison, the one will not repeat that mistake because he knows how the conditions are there.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe crux of the matter is that, when someone receives a strict punishment, they are less likely to repeat the same mistake multiple times.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
There is no other way better and more effective than this one. Anyway, we will repeat the same mistakes until we regret them. For example, some can just skip the traffic lights when they are red by not giving a shit about others. To the ones who do not obey rules such as traffic lights, the government should force them to pay a significant amount of money. Because it is worthy, and because of the ones who do not conform to these rules, nemerous people are dying or becoming disabled.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAs humans, we tend to repeat the same mistakes unless we face significant consequences.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, the government should consider implementing strict penalties, such as imprisonment and hefty fines, for those who consistently violate traffic rules.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 4.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a standard structure, but the introduction could better guide the reader about the upcoming discussion. The use of examples to support points is helpful, but the connection between ideas could be more explicit. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to fully develop your points and provide detailed explanations and examples.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe crux of the matter is that, when someone receives a strict punishment, they are less likely to repeat the same mistake multiple times.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
RevisedAs humans, we tend to repeat the same mistakes unless we face significant consequences.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
RevisedIn conclusion, the government should consider implementing strict penalties, such as imprisonment and hefty fines, for those who consistently violate traffic rules.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 4.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but there are some grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, but there are some grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The use of grammar is generally accurate, but the essay could benefit from a more formal tone. Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar, but the use of informal language and the overall tone could be more formal.
Lexical resource
Band 4.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex vocabulary, but there are some instances of informal language and awkward phrasing. The essay uses a variety of vocabulary, but there are instances of informal language and awkward phrasing. The use of vocabulary is generally appropriate, but the essay could benefit from a more formal tone in some instances. Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of language, but the use of informal language and the overall tone could be more formal and academic.
Sentence revisions 1
RevisedThe crux of the matter is that, when an individual receives a strict punishment, they are less likely to repeat the same mistake multiple times.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Task response
Band 4.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. The essay could benefit from a more formal tone and the use of informal language. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive. Overall, the essay addresses the task and presents a clear position, but the use of informal language and the overall tone could be more formal.
Suggestions
- Make sure to fully develop your argument and support it with specific examples.
- Consider addressing potential counterarguments to strengthen your position.
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