Road safety and punishment: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 4.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
253 words. Marked by Axiom on 22 September 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2253 words
The only way to improve safety in our roads is to give stricter punishment for driving offenses. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a notion that giving strict punishments is the only method to get better safety in our roads. Personally, I completely agree, and there are numerous reasons for this belief.
For instance, the one did not obey the rules and reached the speed limit. Then, the police must get him to the prison and should punish in the same way as other prisoners.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedMany people claim that the government should give strict punishments to those who do not obey the rules.
The correct form is 'the government should give strict punishments to those who do not obey the rules'.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe crux is that if someone receives a strict punishment, they are less likely to repeat their mistakes.
The phrase 'the one' is not appropriate in this context. It is more natural to use 'someone'.
Lexical resource
RevisedAfter being in prison, the person will not repeat these mistakes because they know how harsh the conditions are.
The sentence is not clear and the word 'hursh' is a typo. The revised sentence is more accurate and natural.
Because we are humans and our nature does not appreciate a good stuff.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThere is no other better and more effective way than this one.
The correct form is 'There is no other better and more effective way'.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedWe will inevitably repeat the same mistakes until we regret them.
The revised sentence is more formal and accurate.
Lexical resource
RevisedFor example, some people may ignore red traffic lights and put others at risk.
The revised sentence is more formal and accurate.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe government should impose significant fines on those who do not obey traffic rules.
The revised sentence is more natural and accurate.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedBecause it is worth it and because of the ones who do not conform to these rules, numerous people are dying or becoming disabled.
The correct form is 'because it is worth it' and 'conform to these rules'.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, the government should harshly punish those who do not obey the rules by sending them to prison and charging them a significant amount of money.
The revised sentence is more coherent and easier to understand.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 4.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a basic structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes awkward or incorrect, making the argument less clear. Additionally, there are some issues with coherence, as the connection between ideas can be confusing. More effective use of cohesive devices and a clearer connection between ideas would improve the overall coherence of the essay.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThere is no other better and more effective way than this one.
The correct form is 'There is no other better and more effective way'.
RevisedBecause it is worth it and because of the ones who do not conform to these rules, numerous people are dying or becoming disabled.
The correct form is 'because it is worth it' and 'conform to these rules'.
RevisedIn conclusion, the government should harshly punish those who do not obey the rules by sending them to prison and charging them a significant amount of money.
The revised sentence is more coherent and easier to understand.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are few grammatical errors. However, there are some errors in article and preposition usage. The essay contains several grammatical errors that affect clarity and readability. For example, "the one did not obey the rules and reached the speed limit" should be "someone did not obey the rules and exceeded the speed limit." Paying closer attention to grammar, including correct article usage and preposition use, would improve the overall quality of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedMany people claim that the government should give strict punishments to those who do not obey the rules.
The correct form is 'the government should give strict punishments to those who do not obey the rules'.
RevisedWe will inevitably repeat the same mistakes until we regret them.
The revised sentence is more formal and accurate.
RevisedThe government should impose significant fines on those who do not obey traffic rules.
The revised sentence is more natural and accurate.
Lexical resource
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. For example, "the one did not obey the rules and reached the speed limit" is awkward and could be rephrased. More accurate and varied vocabulary would improve the overall quality of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe crux is that if someone receives a strict punishment, they are less likely to repeat their mistakes.
The phrase 'the one' is not appropriate in this context. It is more natural to use 'someone'.
RevisedAfter being in prison, the person will not repeat these mistakes because they know how harsh the conditions are.
The sentence is not clear and the word 'hursh' is a typo. The revised sentence is more accurate and natural.
RevisedFor example, some people may ignore red traffic lights and put others at risk.
The revised sentence is more formal and accurate.
Task response
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the idea that strict punishments can improve safety on the roads. However, the argument is not well-developed, and the essay does not provide enough support for this position. Additionally, the conclusion is somewhat repetitive and could be more concise. More specific examples and a clearer explanation of how strict punishments could improve safety would strengthen the essay.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your argument.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and is well-developed.
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