Parks turned into gardens: IELTS Task 2 essay #3, band 7.0

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

284 words. Marked by Axiom on 31 January 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

Task 2284 words

In some cities public parks and open spaces are being changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own fruit and vegetables.

In some urban areas, there is growing number of cases when people cultivate their own products in gardens which once served as public parks and open spaces. While this trend may brings some benefits for local dwellers, I believe it does more harm than good.

Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedWhile this trend may bring some benefits to local dwellers, I believe it does more harm than good.
The verb 'bring' should be in the base form after 'may'.

Admittedly, it might seem that using parks and open spaces in cities is advantageous for people who seek to consume their own non-processed natural fruits and vegetables. Although there is no shortage of these products in supermarkets, they have proven to contain harmful chemicals from fertilizers used to boost the growing period of plants. Furthermore, the fact that food in supermarkets is highly packaged is another reason why people tend to refrain from such products. Packaging poses additional thread to consumers’ heath because of plastic covering that releases microplastic into products; such particles may in turn bring health-related issues as infertility and cancer.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedAdmittedly, it might seem advantageous to use city parks and open spaces for the cultivation of non-processed natural fruits and vegetables.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear.

On the other hand, seemingly advantageous, this arising phenomenon might be dangerous for already limited number of natural areas in cities. First, using parks and open spaces for agricultural needs results in loss of recreational zones which are crucial for citizens’ well-being and mental health. Second, excessive use of land causes soil to lose its natural properties, making it impossible to grow other trees and plants on it. Without plant life, parks and open spaces will be longer of use, losing their main puspose of giving people a chance to breathe fresh air in an already polluted urban environment.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedOn the contrary, this seemingly advantageous trend could pose a threat to the already limited number of natural areas in cities.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the meaning is clearer.
Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedFirstly, using parks and open spaces for agricultural purposes can result in the loss of recreational areas, which are crucial for citizens’ well-being and mental health.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and the meaning is clearer.
Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedSecondly, excessive use of land can cause the soil to lose its natural properties, making it difficult to grow other trees and plants on it.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and the meaning is clearer.

In conclusion, even though self-grown organic food gives numerous health benefits for people, using parks and open spaces for plantation purposes may make them completely obsolete, which is a huge disadvantage that outweighs all possible positive aspects.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedIn conclusion, while self-grown organic food offers numerous health benefits, the use of parks and open spaces for cultivation could render them completely obsolete, outweighing any potential positive aspects.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the meaning is clearer.

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved.

Suggestions

Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas.
Ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedAdmittedly, it might seem advantageous to use city parks and open spaces for the cultivation of non-processed natural fruits and vegetables.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear.
RevisedOn the contrary, this seemingly advantageous trend could pose a threat to the already limited number of natural areas in cities.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the meaning is clearer.
RevisedIn conclusion, while self-grown organic food offers numerous health benefits, the use of parks and open spaces for cultivation could render them completely obsolete, outweighing any potential positive aspects.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the meaning is clearer.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay shows a good control of a range of grammatical structures, with only minor errors. However, there are a few sentences that could be rephrased for better clarity.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedIn some urban areas, there is a growing number of cases where people are cultivating their own products in gardens that once served as public parks and open spaces.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and the meaning is clearer.
RevisedFirstly, using parks and open spaces for agricultural purposes can result in the loss of recreational areas, which are crucial for citizens’ well-being and mental health.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and the meaning is clearer.
RevisedSecondly, excessive use of land can cause the soil to lose its natural properties, making it difficult to grow other trees and plants on it.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and the meaning is clearer.

Lexical resource

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedWhile this trend may bring some benefits to local dwellers, I believe it does more harm than good.
The verb 'bring' should be in the base form after 'may'.
RevisedPackaging poses an additional threat to consumers’ health due to the plastic covering that releases microplastics into products.
The revised sentence corrects the spelling error and the grammatical mistake, making the meaning clearer.
RevisedWithout plant life, parks and open spaces will be rendered unusable, losing their primary purpose of providing people with a chance to breathe fresh air in an already polluted urban environment.
The revised sentence is more clear and concise.

Task response

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. The arguments are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. However, the introduction could be more engaging and the conclusion could be more comprehensive.

Suggestions

Consider using a more engaging hook in your introduction to draw the reader in.

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