Parks turned into gardens: IELTS Task 2 essay #4, band 7.0

Converting parks and open-air places into agricultural places, where city dwellers can cultivate their fresh produce, is becoming a common case in some cities. The disadvantages, including a lack of recreational areas and damage to the city infrastructure, outweigh the advantages such as increased food security and employment opportunities, I think.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThe conversion of parks and open-air spaces into gardens, where city dwellers can cultivate their own fresh produce, is becoming a common practice in some cities.

   The phrase 'agricultural places' is a bit awkward and could be replaced with 'gardens' for a more natural sound.

There are several positive sides of changing open places in cities into gardens, where city residents can plant their own natural products. One of them is increased food supply. To be more specific, when people grow their fresh products in towns, they are likely to provide themselves with enough food, meaning there is no need to suffer from a lack of food shortage, which is becoming a serious issue in many parts of the world. Moreover, job opportunities are another upside of organizing gardens in city centers. It is true that once people start to produce their own products, they get employed by gardening practices, leading to earn a living by selling the products they grow in the down markets. These are the main benefits of converting parks into gardens in cities.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThere are several benefits to be gained from changing open spaces in cities into gardens, where city residents can cultivate their own natural products.

   The phrase 'positive sides' is a bit informal and could be replaced with 'benefits' for a more formal tone.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedOne such advantage is the increased availability of food.

   The revised sentence is more formal and precise.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIndeed, when people start producing their own products, they can gain employment through such gardening practices, allowing them to earn a living from selling the products in local markets.

   The original sentence was awkward and unclear. The revision provides a more accurate and clear explanation.

However, I believe, the negative sides of turning parks in cities into agricultural fields are even more considerable due to several reasons. The primary one is the disappearance of entertaining places in city centers. In fact, there is a limited number of parks, where people can relax and enjoy the natural beauty in cities. If these places are changed into gardens, citizens may face problems in relaxation, there is nothing to offer such natural settings. Negative changes in the city infrastructure is another drawback. When parks are used for agricultural purposes, it may affect the image of the city because there are some requirements for cities such as having entertaining facilities, open- air places, where both tourists and citizens can enjoy the natural environment. Farming practices can also have a negative impact on the air quality of cities, as such activities release dust into the atmosphere, causing some diseases, including asthma and alergies in people living in these cities.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedHowever, I believe that the disadvantages of converting parks in cities into agricultural fields outweigh the advantages for several reasons.

   The phrase 'negative sides' is less formal and could be replaced with 'disadvantages'. Additionally, 'overwhelhelming' is a more precise word to use in this context.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThe primary concern is the disappearance of recreational spaces in city centers.

   The phrase 'entertaining places' could be replaced with the more formal 'recreational spaces'.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedAgricultural practices can also negatively impact the city's air quality, as such activities release dust into the atmosphere, potentially causing respiratory diseases, including asthma and allergies, in the people living in these cities.

   The term 'alergies' is a spelling mistake and should be 'allergies'. Additionally, the phrase 'causing some diseases' could be more precisely worded as 'potentially causing respiratory diseases'.

To conclude, although gardens in cities can offer some benefits related to food security and employment, I opine, the negative sides like a lack of entertaining facilities and negative effects on city planning overshadow the advantages.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, while gardens in cities can provide benefits such as food security and employment opportunities, I believe that the negative effects, such as a lack of entertainment facilities and impact on city planning, outweigh the advantages.

   The conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the points made in the essay and clearly restating the opinion.