Parks turned into gardens: IELTS Task 2 essay #12, band 6.5

Today`s world, some public parks and open space are being covered to gardens in order to create opportunity for local people to grow and yield their own food such as carrot, potato, tomato or such as apple and apricots fruits in some cities. I believe that its benefits can outweigh the disadvantages.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn today's world, some public parks and open spaces are being transformed into gardens to provide local residents the opportunity to grow their own food, such as carrots, potatoes, tomatoes, apples, and apricots.

   The revision improves coherence by using "transformed into" for a clearer change type and "local residents the opportunity" for a more direct and understandable phrase. The list of examples is also streamlined for better readability.

On the one hand, there may be some negative effects. Some people might argue that public parks are not field to yield vegetable or fruit, it is for walking. As a result, these people may be against to change into gardens. These people are someone who dislike working in garden or prefer walking in parks to grow something in it. There may be this kind of disadvantages in this process.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedSome people might argue that public parks are not fields meant for yielding vegetables or fruits, but are intended for walking.

   The revised sentence is more coherent and logically connected to the point the writer is trying to make.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThese people are perhaps someone who dislike working in gardens or prefer walking in parks to growing something in it.

   The revised sentence is more coherent and the use of 'someone' and 'it' in the original sentence was confusing.

On the other hand, turning to its advantages. Growing vegetables and fruit helps people to reduce their stress, to reduce money for food, to more active. Moreover, new plants provide people who live there with oxygen. There are many people especially women who spend most of their time at home make a complaint about getting bored. They can spend their times in those gardens to yield plants. And also, it helps their mental and body health, because they became more active. In addition, through growing plants they can cut down expenses which spend for food. For example, if average family that live city spend about 200$ for their food, after they grow and yield vegetables, the amount of money spent for food will reduce. Thus, these kinds of changes lead to many benefits so I believe that its advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedMoreover, the introduction of new plants provides the residents with a fresh supply of oxygen.

   The revised sentence is more specific and clear.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThey can spend their time in those gardens to tend to the plants.

   The term 'tend to' is more appropriate in this context.

In conclusion, if public parks and open space change into gardens, it helps people to reduce health issues and to be more active.