Parks turned into gardens: IELTS Task 2 essay #5, band 8.0

There is a growing trend where in cities recreational areas, especially public parks are turning into gardens that produce fruit and vegetables, contributing to agricultural growth of cities. However, despite this positive, the negatives — adverse effects on environment and lack of leisure spaces — can far outweigh the positives.

One key benefit that this trend offers is growth of urban agriculture. When open spaces in cities converted into gardens where urban dwellers can engage in growing fruit and vegetables, agronomy of urbans skyrockets. As an outcome, this offers not only new workplaces, but also boosts economy. For example, Uzbekistan is now changing some of its parks into gardens for local individuals, and economy is progressing rapidly in many Uzbek cities. Therefore, it is transforming public parks into gardens that such advantages.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOne key benefit that this trend offers is the growth of urban agriculture.

   The singular form 'growth' should be preceded by 'the' to refer to a specific benefit.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedWhen open spaces in cities are converted into gardens for urban dwellers to grow their own fruit and vegetables, the concept of urban agriculture experiences a significant boost.

   The term 'agronomy of urbans' is not standard English and may not be clear to the reader. The revision provides a more accurate and clear expression.

3. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedAs a result, this not only offers new workplaces, but also boosts the economy.

   The phrase 'as a result' is more commonly used to show the outcome of a situation, and 'the' should be used before 'economy' to refer to the general economy, not just and individual one.

However, on the other hand, potential threats of this development are more concerning. Removing public parks and open air spaces, and turning them into agricultural areas can harm the environment. Put it simply, myriad cities around the world are suffering from air pollution, and it is natural green landscape and public parks in urbans that mitigate this problem. If we convert them into zones producing crops that have no beneficial effects on the atmosphere, the environment of cities would be doomed, thanks to the governments that are cutting down the source of “Green nature”. The disadvantages of this trend goes beyond the environmental pollution, but also include lack of recreational zones. When cities remove their public parks which are the hub of relaxation in urban areas, many people cannot find quiet place to relax, and eventually suffer from the noise, pollution and heavy traffic of the city. Thereby, it is essential to keep open air and natural areas in urbans.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIf we convert them into zones that produce crops with no beneficial effects on the atmosphere, the environment of cities could be doomed, due to the government's decision to replace green spaces with agricultural zones.

   The original sentence is long and confusing. The revision provides a clearer and more concise expression.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThe disadvantages of this trend go beyond environmental pollution and also include a lack of recreational zones.

   The verb 'go' should be used instead of 'goes' as it is plural (disadvantages). Also, 'a' should be placed before 'lack' as it is singular.

In conclusion, although transforming parks in cities into gardens can offer agricultural advantages, this benefit still pale in comparison to more concerning issues it leads, such as lack of natural atmosphere to relax and air pollution.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIn conclusion, although the transformation of city parks into gardens can offer agricultural advantages, the benefit pales in comparison to the more concerning issues such as a lack of natural relaxation areas and increased air pollution.

   The verb 'pale' should be used intransitively (without a direct object) in this context. Also, 'atmosphere to relax' should be 'relaxation areas' to improve clarity.