Less study, more physical activity: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 7.0

In recent years, the notion of the fact that parents ought to motivate their children to focus more on doing physical activities rather than studying has become widespread. While studying can offer several practical opportunities, including the easier chance of finding jobs, I partly agree that physical activities are crucial compared with studying since it often makes children mentally tougher and physically healthier.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedWhile studying can offer several practical opportunities and facilitate career advancement, I partly agree that physical activities are crucial because they can enhance children's mental toughness and physical health.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and improves the clarity of the comparison between physical activities and studying.

Admittedly, some people argue that children should be pushed by their parents to spend more time studying. A primary rationale behind this viewpoint is that studying may bring a number prospects in the long run. For example, in today's fast-paced world, educated individuals usually obtain higher career prospects seamlessly, which makes studying valuable and appealing. Besides the potential future opportunities, studying can broaden children's horizons. This is mainly because they may learn subjects, such as history and math, and it can lead them to acquire a great deal of knowledge about a wide range of information from different cultural backgrounds and figures to problem-solving and real-life arithmetic tasks. Therefore, people usually regard studying as the way of making a living and improving themselves.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedAdmittedly, some people argue that parents should encourage their children to spend more time studying.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward choice of words and makes the statement more clear and concise.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThe primary argument behind this view is that studying may open up a number of prospects in the long run.

   The revised sentence is more natural and easier to understand.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThis is primarily because it allows them to learn subjects such as history and math, acquiring a broad range of knowledge from different cultural backgrounds and enhancing their problem-solving skills.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and improves the clarity of the statement.

I, however, partly agree with the idea that engagement for physical activities ought to be considered as more essential than studying and parents should support it. A key argument in favor of this perspective is that these types of activates can contribute positively to health. Since being healthy from young ages is unrefusable, physical activities should be prioritized over studying. Furthermore, they can make children energetic and enthusiastic. One possible explanation is that physical activities tend to increase the level of dopamine, which may prevent children from depression, and relive anxiety. Ultimately, parents have to support their children to engage physical activities, despite the importance of studying.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedHowever, I partly agree with the idea that parents should prioritize physical activities over studying for their children.

   The revised sentence is more concise and the idea is expressed more clearly.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedSince maintaining good health from a young age is non-negotiable, physical activities should be prioritized over studying.

   The revised sentence is more natural and the word choice is more accurate.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedOne possible explanation is that physical activities can increase dopamine levels, which may prevent children from experiencing depression and relieve anxiety.

   The revised sentence is more natural and the word choice is more accurate.

In conclusion, although studying is very necessary and children should allocate time for education more provided that they want to pursue better career opportunities and problem-solving skills, I partly agree that parents ought to encourage their children to physical activities because health and cheerfulness should come first over studying.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, while studying is important for children's future success, I believe that parents should also encourage their children to prioritize physical activities for their health and well-being.

   The revised sentence is more concise and the idea is expressed more clearly.