Less study, more physical activity: IELTS Task 2 essay #3, band 5.5

There is a prevailing view that children should spent more time for physical activities than studying. While this may seem young people bring up healthy, I strongly agree with children should more learn in their childhood period because when they spent their main time for doing exercises they could not enter top university and it can effect on their life career.

1. Lexical resource

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   Revisedthey might not be able to enter a top university, which can affect their career prospects.

   The revised sentence corrects the word choice and the phrase usage.

One of the major causes why I agree with spending main time for learning. They become an educated person in their future and studying can help on their life because in the life you should chosse the justice dicisions between your children or you will need a smart dicisons in your difficult situations. For exaple one of my cousin trained in taekvando and he staarted around he was seven years old and nowadays 26 years old but he could not endure the difficultues and he leave the taekvando and he could not learn because his prime was passed and he has a familly . Therefore him need earn money but he have not profession and he working on the mannual work

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThe primary reason I support the idea of prioritizing learning is...

   The revised sentence is more formal and academic.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedFor example, one of my cousins trained in taekwondo...

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Admittedly, some people argue that young adults should traing more than learning this mainly because they bring up healthy and for protecting themselves and their family or to become a chempion on their type of the sport. Hiwever, this argument is less convicing because in the world have a lot of athlets but more then half of them could not show their talant or their strength. Addditionaly this powerful people controlling by knowladgeble people and nowadays world controlling by well educated people not from masculine people or by rich people because in athlet or rich people do not enough inteligence for controlling . Therefore people should spend their main time for learning and other fere time devote for sporting

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedAdmittedly, some people argue that young adults should prioritize physical training over learning, citing the need to stay healthy...

   The revised sentence is more clear and concise.

In counclusion, althoygh it may be argued that upbringing healthy, I firmly agree that children should use main time for getting knowledge because while they learn they bringingup mental healthy and knowladgeble. In addition most of the knowladgeble peoples’ life is easy and beatiful they spend main time for traveling and relaxing from the life that is fact !