Less study, more physical activity: IELTS Task 2 essay #6, band 7.0

While it is widely argued that parents ought to urge their children to focus more on physical activities rather than studying, I firmly contend that maintaining a balance between physical and academic performances is the most effective way.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedI firmly contend that maintaining a balance between physical and academic activities is the most effective way.

   The revised sentence corrects the inappropriate use of 'performances'.

Admittedly, if children take part in regular physical activities, this can benefit to their both mental and physical well-being. For instance, a child participating in swimming activities on a regular basis can enhance his or her cardiovascular fitness and muscular strength along with their concentration. As a result, this provides a child with dual benefits. Another key argument is physical activities can contribute to children’s communication skills. By engaging in team sports like basketball or football, children definitely interact with their teammates, fostering better interpersonal skills. Ultimately, physical pursuits carry considerable merits, allowing children to improve physical well-being and prevent various ailments, simultaneously facilitate more effective learning.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedAdmittedly, engaging in regular physical activities can benefit children's mental and physical well-being.

   The revised sentence is more concise and clear.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedAs a result, this provides a child with benefits in both areas.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer explanation of the dual benefits.

3. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedAnother key argument is that physical activities can contribute to children's communication skills.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer connection between the ideas.

4. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedUltimately, physical pursuits have considerable benefits, allowing children to improve their physical well-being, prevent ailments, and facilitate more effective learning.

   The revised sentence is more concise and clear.

Nevertheless, placing greater emphasis on physical exercises can bring about notable drawbacks. I strongly believe that allocating sufficient time for both physical activities and studying is far more beneficial for children. For example, if children spend time on playing football excessively, their academic competence may start falling significantly. However, a child striking a perfect balance between sports and studying have a dual-benefit. Therefore, parents should teach their children from an early age through engaging in various activities and studies. As a consequence, rarely do children struggle to keep a balance.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedFor example, if children excessively spend time playing football, their academic competence may significantly fall.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward word order.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedHowever, a child who strikes a perfect balance between sports and studying can reap the dual benefits.

   The revised sentence corrects the incorrect verb agreement.

In conclusion, physical activities may lead to irreplaceable benefits, such as enhancing overall well-being of a child and promote interpersonal skills, while focusing too much on physical activities can result in poor academic performance. For this reason, I largely support that maintaining a balance balance between both of them.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedFor this reason, I largely support the idea of maintaining a balance between both of them.

   The revised sentence corrects the repeated word and provides a clearer expression of the idea.