Changing eating habits: IELTS Task 2 essay #9, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
306 words. Marked by Axiom on 4 May 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2306 words
Nowadays eating haits of people aroud the world are chaging causing them many health problem including obesity .Why do people tend to eat so badly ?what can be done to improve their eating habits?
These days, the majority of population get used to overeat dishes in their daily life which causing them many health issues such as obesity. This must be attributed to not control their willpower and hectic lifestyle.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedTo mitigate this problem, individuals can take several actions.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition to the following sentence.
One significant cause of this phenomenon is Multiple careers. A s a result, these meals contain calories which cause a lot of health related problems such as hypertension by consuming of too much salt.
Lexical resource
RevisedMost employees work part-time and full-time simultaneously, which leaves them with little time to prepare home-cooked meals.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
Lexical resource
RevisedFor instance, if they continue to work full time without any breaks, they should avoid consuming fast, prepaed food such as junk food.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
For instance, some citizens become extremely glutton which cause to not control their mouse and a as result. their stomach demands more and more food.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedAnother major factor is that they cannot control their appetite.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the message.
Lexical resource
RevisedThey may not be able to distinguish between hunger and satiety.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedHowever, one day they may face obesity, which can lead to feelings of guilt for not stopping their eating habits, but by then it may be too late.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the message.
They must take serious action on their food. Firstly, workers should prepare their lunch earlier, before going to work. Secondly, at np=o time do individuals eat unhealthy food, they must take control of their diet and start healthy lifestyle such as consume more vegetables, go in for sport because they key of stay fit and strong is do more exercise.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOne viable solution that can be implemented is to take serious action on their food.
The revised sentence is more coherent and directly relates to the preceding and following sentences.
In my opinion, if population be careful with their foods, they may stay healthy and slim
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, obesity and overeating have become increasingly prominent around the world.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more coherent conclusion.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the progression of ideas a bit difficult to follow. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and providing a clear final thought.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to fully develop your ideas in each paragraph.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedTo mitigate this problem, individuals can take several actions.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition to the following sentence.
RevisedOne viable solution that can be implemented is to take serious action on their food.
The revised sentence is more coherent and directly relates to the preceding and following sentences.
RevisedIn conclusion, obesity and overeating have become increasingly prominent around the world.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more coherent conclusion.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. However, these do not impede communication. The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are grammatically correct. However, there are a few errors in grammar and punctuation that can be distracting. Additionally, the use of passive voice is not always appropriate and could be revised for clarity.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThese days, the majority of the population have gotten used to overeating dishes in their daily life, which is causing them many health issues such as obesity.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the message.
RevisedAnother major factor is that they cannot control their appetite.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the message.
RevisedHowever, one day they may face obesity, which can lead to feelings of guilt for not stopping their eating habits, but by then it may be too late.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the message.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary related to the topic, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedMost employees work part-time and full-time simultaneously, which leaves them with little time to prepare home-cooked meals.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
RevisedFor instance, if they continue to work full time without any breaks, they should avoid consuming fast, prepaed food such as junk food.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
RevisedThey may not be able to distinguish between hunger and satiety.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout the response. However, the essay could be more fully developed, with more specific examples and a clearer conclusion. The essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing a clear explanation of the factors contributing to poor eating habits and obesity, as well as suggesting potential solutions. However, the ideas could be more fully developed, with more specific examples and a clearer conclusion. Additionally, the essay could benefit from a more formal tone and style.
Suggestions
- Include more specific examples to fully develop your ideas.
- Ensure that your conclusion is comprehensive and provides a clear summary of your main points.
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