Declining animals and plants: IELTS Task 2 essay #31, band 5.0

It has been observed that, number of animal species and plants is reducing which has become critical concern, requires immediate attention.This problem, caused primarily by hunting animals that are going extinct without legal permission and deforestation which is habitat of animals and equals to loss of greenery. This problems can be addressed through measures such as legally protecting animals and huge reduction in deforestation which if not assessed, could lead to detrimental causes.

1. Grammar & accuracy

   Close revision note

   RevisedIt has been observed that the number of animal species and plants is reducing, which has become a critical concern and requires immediate attention.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity and coherence of the sentence.

2. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedThese problems can be addressed through measures such as legally protecting animals and significantly reducing deforestation, which, if not addressed, could lead to detrimental consequences.

   The revised sentence provides a more accurate and smooth transition between the ideas.

Every day certain amount of animals that are going extinct are being hunted not only them but also animals with great number of population witnessing reduction. Firstly, it can be because of not having legal rule to protect for those animals, protection works as shield to help them breed on their own pace without being constantly killed by some people. As an example we can consider poachers who has no legal right of hunting but still breaking the rules. Over the years they hunted rare mountain deer in significant amount which caused this animal to be completely wiped out. Additionally, there can be ways of preventing this from happening to other animals that are under threat. Government can introduce new rules to protect those animals. Rather then talking about it, they should take action. As well as adding certain amount of fee for those who illegally tried to hunt.

1. Grammar & accuracy

   Close revision note

   RevisedEvery day a certain number of animals that are going extinct are being hunted, not only them but also animals with a high population are seeing a reduction.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity and coherence of the sentence.

Another significant contributor for greenery loss ca be caused by several reasons. Firstly, it can be mainly because of deforestation. In many places, trees are being cut down to make way for new facilities like housing. Meanwhile it not only causes decline in plants, but also habitat loss for animals that lives there. For instance, rare birds that lives in trees that are cut would loose it nest and die out without finding new habitat, based on how some animals could not survive in other conditions. A potential solution for this problem could be, reduction in deforestation. There is no point in crating new facilities by loosing greenery. Instead, they can use land that has neither trees nor animals, to protect them bot. It is projecting two objective with one action.

1. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedAnother significant contributor to greenery loss can be various factors.

   The revised sentence provides a smoother transition to the next point.

2. Grammar & accuracy

   Close revision note

   RevisedA potential solution for this problem could be the reduction of deforestation.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity and coherence of the sentence.

3. Lexical resource

   Close revision note

   RevisedThere is no point in creating new facilities at the expense of greenery.

   The revised sentence uses more appropriate and precise vocabulary.

In conclusion, a hug problem we are witnessing today is loss of trees and plants while also animals going extinct. Obvious problems can be deforestation and illegal action of hunting like rare mountain deer which is completely wiped out now. Possible solutions can be introducing rules that contains fee for illegal hunting and reduction in deforestation.

1. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedIn conclusion, a huge problem we are witnessing today is the loss of trees and plants, as well as the extinction of animals.

   The revised sentence provides a more accurate and smooth transition to the conclusion.