Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #62, band 7.5

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

204 words. Marked by Axiom on 28 May 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

The bar chart this answer describes

Values in people. Values approximate: read from the original chart, not printed on it.

Show the data

Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart) (people)
	2001	2008
Sales	155,000	165,000
Accounting	66,000	58,000
Computing	59,000	79,000
Nursing	56,000	60,000
Farming	29,000	19,000

Academic Task 1204 words

The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.

The bar chart illustrates the number of people who were employed in five types of work in one region of Australia between 2001 and 2008. Overall, while all given categories experienced an increase, albeit to varying extents, Accounting and Farming were the exception, as their shares saw a decrease throughout the timespan. Notably, in every given year, a huge number of people worked in Sales.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedOverall, while most categories experienced an increase to varying extents, Accounting and Farming were exceptions, as their shares decreased over the period.
Simplified the sentence for clarity and coherence.
Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedNotably, each year saw a large number of people employed in Sales.
Rephrased for precision and variety.

Focusing on the upward trends, approximately 60,000 individuals worked in Computing in 2001 and then, this figure witnessed a moderate increase, reaching 78,000 in 2008. It is closely followed by Nursing, whose employment rate was almost 60,000 initially. But by 2008, this share had increased slightly to 61,000. The employment rate in Sales was notable; a huge number of people worked there and it also witnessed a constant increase, rising from a staggering 158,000 in 2001 to an all-time high of 161,000 in 2008.

Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedFocusing on the upward trends, approximately 60,000 individuals worked in Computing in 2001, and this figure moderately increased to 78,000 in 2008.
Removed unnecessary comma for grammatical accuracy.
Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedNursing followed closely, with an initial employment rate of nearly 60,000.
Rephrased for smoother transition and clarity.
Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedBy 2008, this share had slightly increased to 61,000.
Removed 'But' to avoid starting a sentence with a conjunction.
Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedSales had a notably high employment rate, with a constant increase from 158,000 in 2001 to 161,000 in 2008.
Condensed the sentence for better flow and coherence.

In contrast, Accounting and Farming had an opposite trajectory. The former's employment rate was 63,000 in 2001 and this figure experienced a decrease, reaching 58,000 in 2008. Similar to this decline, Farming held the smallest share of employment rate, at 28,000 in 2001, but then, this figure experienced a decline, falling to 19,000 in 2008.

Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedAccounting's employment rate was 63,000 in 2001, decreasing to 58,000 in 2008.
Simplified the sentence and improved word choice for clarity.
Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedSimilarly, Farming had the smallest employment share, dropping from 28,000 in 2001 to 19,000 in 2008.
Improved word choice and sentence structure for clarity.

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay is well-organized and follows a logical structure. There is a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother.

Suggestions

Improve transitions between paragraphs.
Use more linking words to connect ideas.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedOverall, while most categories experienced an increase to varying extents, Accounting and Farming were exceptions, as their shares decreased over the period.
Simplified the sentence for clarity and coherence.
RevisedNursing followed closely, with an initial employment rate of nearly 60,000.
Rephrased for smoother transition and clarity.
RevisedSales had a notably high employment rate, with a constant increase from 158,000 in 2001 to 161,000 in 2008.
Condensed the sentence for better flow and coherence.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 8.0/ 9

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with few errors. Sentences are generally well-formed and accurate.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedFocusing on the upward trends, approximately 60,000 individuals worked in Computing in 2001, and this figure moderately increased to 78,000 in 2008.
Removed unnecessary comma for grammatical accuracy.
RevisedBy 2008, this share had slightly increased to 61,000.
Removed 'But' to avoid starting a sentence with a conjunction.
RevisedThe employment rate in Sales was notable, with a large number of people working there and a constant increase from 158,000 in 2001 to 161,000 in 2008.
Revised for grammatical accuracy and smoother flow.

Lexical resource

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay uses a good range of vocabulary with some variety. However, there are instances where word choice could be improved for precision.

Sentence revisions 4

RevisedOverall, while most categories experienced growth to varying extents, Accounting and Farming were exceptions, as their numbers declined over the period.
Replaced 'experienced an increase' with 'experienced growth' for variety.
RevisedAccounting's employment rate was 63,000 in 2001, decreasing to 58,000 in 2008.
Simplified the sentence and improved word choice for clarity.
RevisedSimilarly, Farming had the smallest employment share, dropping from 28,000 in 2001 to 19,000 in 2008.
Improved word choice and sentence structure for clarity.
RevisedNotably, each year saw a large number of people employed in Sales.
Rephrased for precision and variety.

Task achievement

Band 8.0/ 9

The essay effectively addresses the task, summarizing the main features and making relevant comparisons. All key data points are included.

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