Raising the cost of fuel: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
342 words. Marked by Axiom on 16 August 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2342 words
Some people believe that the best way to solve environmental problems is to increase the cost of fuel for cars and other vehicles. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedSome people believe that the most effective approach to tackling nature-related problems is to raise the price of fuel for cars and other forms of transportation.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and grammatical errors.
Lexical resource
RevisedHowever, I fully disagree with this point of view due to several reasons, including other causes of environmental problems and the economic impact.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the point being made.
In addition to this, increasing the cost of fuel encourages them to seek alternative modes of transport such as walking, riding a bike, and using public transportation, which means reducing not only the use of private cars but also carbon emissions.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn one side of the debate are those who support the view that increasing the price of fuel is an efficient way to address environmental issues for a few different reasons.
The revised sentence is more coherent and easier to understand.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn both developing and developed countries, private vehicles are becoming ubiquitous, leading people to take long trips excessively.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and grammatical errors.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedWhen people use their cars unnecessarily, it leads to an increase in the production of carbon dioxide, and raising the price of fuel can help combat air pollution.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and grammatical errors.
A shiny example can be deforestation. It is driven by human greed to make money, meaning simply increasing the cost of fuel would not directly solve huge issues such as forests being cleared. Increasing fuel costs can have a significant negative impact on the economy, particularly on lower-income individuals who may rely heavily on their vehicles for work.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the other hand, I believe that raising the price of car fuel is not a suitable solution for environmental problems, as there are other causes of these issues that are not related to car or other vehicle usage.
The revised sentence is more coherent and provides a clear contrast to the previous point.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedDeforestation is one of the primary reasons environmental problems occur.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the point being made.
Lexical resource
RevisedFinally, a surge in fuel prices may lead to other problems, such as economic impact.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the point being made.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, while some individuals support the idea of increasing fuel costs as the best approach to tackle nature-related issues and reduce air pollution, I completely disagree, as not all environmental problems are linked to vehicle usage.
The revised sentence is more coherent and provides a clear summary of the points made in the essay.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction clearly states the writer's position, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The use of clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph would help guide the reader through the essay. Consistent punctuation and spacing will also improve the overall readability of the essay.
Suggestions
- Use more linking words to improve the flow of ideas.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOn one side of the debate are those who support the view that increasing the price of fuel is an efficient way to address environmental issues for a few different reasons.
The revised sentence is more coherent and easier to understand.
RevisedOn the other hand, I believe that raising the price of car fuel is not a suitable solution for environmental problems, as there are other causes of these issues that are not related to car or other vehicle usage.
The revised sentence is more coherent and provides a clear contrast to the previous point.
RevisedIn conclusion, while some individuals support the idea of increasing fuel costs as the best approach to tackle nature-related issues and reduce air pollution, I completely disagree, as not all environmental problems are linked to vehicle usage.
The revised sentence is more coherent and provides a clear summary of the points made in the essay.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay contains a few grammatical errors that affect clarity and readability. For example, "However, i fully disagree with this point of view due to several reasons, including other cause of environmental problems and economic impact." should be "However, I fully disagree with this point of view for several reasons, including other causes of environmental problems and the economic impact." Paying closer attention to grammatical accuracy, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions, will improve the overall quality of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedSome people believe that the most effective approach to tackling nature-related problems is to raise the price of fuel for cars and other forms of transportation.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and grammatical errors.
RevisedWhen people use their cars unnecessarily, it leads to an increase in the production of carbon dioxide, and raising the price of fuel can help combat air pollution.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and grammatical errors.
RevisedDeforestation is one of the primary reasons environmental problems occur.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the point being made.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. For example, "On the one side debate are those who are supporting the view" should be "On one side of the debate are those who support the view." Refining word choice and ensuring the correct use of idiomatic expressions will improve the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay. Additionally, addressing minor errors in spelling and grammar, such as inconsistent spacing, will enhance the overall readability of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedHowever, I fully disagree with this point of view due to several reasons, including other causes of environmental problems and the economic impact.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the point being made.
RevisedIn both developing and developed countries, private vehicles are becoming ubiquitous, leading people to take long trips excessively.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and grammatical errors.
RevisedFinally, a surge in fuel prices may lead to other problems, such as economic impact.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the point being made.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position that raising the price of fuel is not the best way to solve environmental problems. The writer provides relevant reasons, including the impact on the economy and other causes of environmental problems, to support their argument. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive. The essay could be enhanced by providing more specific examples and by exploring potential counterarguments in more depth.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Consider addressing potential counterarguments to strengthen your position.
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