Resources for wild animals: IELTS Task 2 essay #5, band 6.0

Many individuals think that there is too much attention and too many resources for protecting wild animals and birds. I strongly agree with this notion, for saving endangered animal world, we should take responsibility as people with pure heart by giving attention and some resources.

In today's modern world, we cannot see the special animals due to their extinction. For saving them, some wealthy individuals or governments allocate much attention to take behind of this action. When there is a kind of animal or bird which is entered to the "Red Book", by spending money and providing food for them, we can save their types for the future. For example, take mount deer, which caused extinction in my country of Uzbekistan and is entered to the "Red Book" some years ago. To increase its numbers, the government took actions by allocating much of their budgeted money and providing shelters and food. As a result, that kind of deer continued to growth in numbers.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedTo save them, wealthy individuals or governments often allocate significant resources to support conservation efforts.

   The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.

I think, we should take some responsibility as kind humans. People's involvement can be the good reason for extinction. There are so many people who hunt animals and birds which are extinct, for usage or selling their fur. Government's involment can be good by taking the action. If officials set stricter rule like taxes for hunters for hunting endangered animal or bird, by running from paying the money they may stop their actions. As a consequence, both governments and people can save endangered species.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedI believe that we have a responsibility, as caring individuals, to protect endangered species.

   The revised sentence is more accurate and natural in terms of word choice and collocation.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedPeople's involvement can actually contribute to the extinction of species.

   The revised sentence is more coherent and the intended meaning is made more explicit.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedGovernment's involvement can be beneficial by taking appropriate actions.

   The revised sentence is grammatically more accurate and clear.

In conclusion, for recovering the extinction of animals and birds, government officials and humans should try together. By introducing taxes for hunting, people may not hunt mor than pay the money. People should be pure-hearted by giving a help to species.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, both government officials and ordinary citizens must take responsibility to prevent the extinction of animals and birds.

   The revised sentence is more explicit and reinforces the point made in the essay.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIntroducing taxes on hunting could deter people from hunting endangered species for profit.

   The revised sentence is more coherent and the intended meaning is made more explicit.