Resources for wild animals: IELTS Task 2 essay #7, band 7.0

In recent years, the viewpoint of the fact that an enormous amount of focus and significant number of financial and administrative resources are allocated to the protection of wild animals and birds has become increasingly widespread. While some proponents argue that excessive quantity of attention and a vast number of resources are devoted to the prevention of wild life loss, I firmly disagree that too many resources are depleted due to wild animals and bird since humans are largely responsible for many threats to wildlife, and animals and birds maintain ecological balance.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedWhile some argue that too much attention and too many resources are devoted to protecting wildlife, I firmly believe that this is not the case, as humans are largely responsible for many threats to wildlife, and also play a crucial role in maintaining ecological balance.

   The revised sentence is more natural and uses a wider range of grammatical structures.

Admittedly, a number of individuals believe that an excessive amount of concentration and number of resources are allocated to the conservation of wild animals and birds. A primary rationale behind this perspective is that governments have limited budgets. This is mainly because there are other projects, such as construction, which require attention and financial resources. For example, if government continues to spend a substantial amount of money on wild animals and birds, it will foster citizens' hatred and lead to a number of consequences in the long run. Besides the limitation on resources and financial wealth, preserving some species may be less urgent compared with several inescapable issues. Climate change, say, should be tackled, as it is one of the most major problems around the world. As long as a considerable amount of money is allocated to annihilate climate change, people should not need to concern about it. Therefore, spending money on the protection of wild animals and birds is less urgent and may pile in comparison to major environmental problems.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedAdmittedly, some people believe that too much attention and too many resources are devoted to the protection of wild animals and birds.

   The revised sentence is more concise and easier to understand.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThis is primarily because other projects, such as construction, require attention and funding.

   The revised sentence is more natural and uses more precise language.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIf significant funds are directed towards combating climate change, other issues should not be a concern.

   The revised sentence is more precise and uses more formal language.

4. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedTherefore, protecting wild animals and birds may seem less urgent compared to other environmental issues.

   The revised sentence is more direct and clear.

Nevertheless, I completely disagree with the idea that an excessive amount of attention and number of resources are allocated to the preservation of wild animals and birds. First and foremost, humans are causing a mountain of threat to wildlife, as people build construction and roads, which may be hectic and chaotic. Those noises can contribute to the loss of natural habitats, which is why individual should bear the responsibility of protecting wild animals and birds. In addition, wild animals and birds maintain ecological balance. For example, without even a single type of species, a food chain would probably be destroyed, and most plants and animals would die. Ultimately, a significant number of financial resources should be allocated to the conservation of birds and wild life.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedAdditionally, wild animals and birds play a crucial role in maintaining ecological balance.

   The revised sentence provides more context and is more precise.

In conclusion, although some people contend that a substantial amount of attention and number of administrative resources are devoted to wild animals and bird, but it may not urgent and, on top of that, government have limited budgets, I firmly disagree that it is not too much or many because humans are the culprits who disturb wide animals and birds, and should protect them.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, despite concerns about the attention and resources devoted to the protection of wild animals and birds, I believe that it is justified due to the importance of preserving wildlife and the role it plays in maintaining ecological balance.

   The revised sentence is more coherent and the ideas are connected more effectively.