Parents’ pressure to succeed: IELTS Task 2 essay #6, band 6.5

It is said that many parent are putting a great amount of pressure on their children to achiieve higher results.While there are many reasons to put a lot of pressure to succeedd,I firmly belive that pressure can led to negative influences on children's mental well - being and health.

The idea that pressure can be justified on several grounds.One contributing reason is that social media.When many parents can see higher achievements via social media.As a result,they require that kind of reults or even higher than that from their children from their young age.A good case in point is Uzbekistan where many parental involvement in their children's studies is higher than other countries .What most family members want is higher results by only putting pressure on them without asking preferences from them.This event can lead to studying subjects and observing that sleeplessnes.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThe justification for imposing pressure can be several grounds.

   The sentence is a bit confusing and can be rephrased for clarity.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedWhat most family members want is for their children to achieve higher results, without considering their individual preferences.

   The original sentence was awkward and unclear. The revised sentence is more precise and uses more natural phrasing.

Another contributing reason is that higher competition.Many parents are putting an immense pressure on young individuals to study at world-renowned universities such as Harvard,MIT nd Stanford.They are parents that want their children to achieve higher results and work in white collar jobs.Moreover, competition will be growing noticeably to get well-paid jobs and being particular person in these days' society A good case in point is Europe,many parents are puttig peressure on their children to succeed.As a result they do not ask their preferences and always blabbering them to study hard and tell the how harsh life is.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedAnother reason is the increasing competition.

   The sentence is incomplete and needs to be revised for clarity.

Putting a lot of pressure ,on the other hand,can led to negative influences on children's health.Given that many children study with a lack of sleep and nutrients,thereby leading health problems such as eye strain,fatigue,alteration of harmone and cardiovascular diseases.It is Southern Korea that many young individuals may put pressure by their parents ,therefore,they are studying without sleep ,even holidays and in stations to succedd.The main reasons can be higher competition in achieving success.Besides that,in that country,many young individuals are trying suicide due to difficulties of education .

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThe main reasons could be the higher competition in achieving success.

   The original sentence is a bit awkward and unclear. The revised sentence is more precise and uses more natural phrasing.

To conclude,while there are many reasons to putting an ample pressure on their children like cutting edge technology and higher competition ,yet I copmpletely belive that that kind of anxiety and pressure can led to health problems such as eye strain,sedentary lifestyle,cardiovascular diseases and fatigue on children. Only by blending encouragement and a little bit pressure by their parents can led to health competition and results.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, while there are many reasons to put pressure on children, such as technological advancements and increased competition, I firmly believe that this can lead to health problems in children, such as anxiety, eye strain, and fatigue.

   The sentence is long and confusing. It has been revised for clarity and conciseness.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedOnly by blending encouragement and a little bit of pressure from their parents can lead to healthy competition and results.

   The original sentence was grammatically incorrect. The revised sentence is more clear and uses more natural phrasing.