Parents’ pressure to succeed: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
392 words. Marked by Axiom on 7 February 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2392 words
Parents are putting a lot of pressure on their children to succeed. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?
In our achievement-obsessed world children often suffer from excessive pressure by their parents. There are a lot of factors contributing to this tendency, and it usually comes from a place of love and concern.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedEven though it may be well-intentioned, pushing too hard can significantly impact children's mental health.
The revised sentence is more clear and accurate in terms of grammar and sentence structure.
and there are reasons why a number adults are subconsciously choosing this way to motivate their kids. Firstly, they want to show their attention to prove themselves that they are more eager to form close bonds with their children than their own distant parents had been. Others feel guilty about upheavals such as divorce and try to compensate by putting pressure on their children’s academic performance or skillset improvement. Ultimately, parents simply want the best for their children and are sometimes prone to lose sight of what really matters for kids’ long-term happiness and well-being.
Lexical resource
RevisedAlthough it might appear harsh at times, parental pressure can be seen as a form of love
The revised sentence is more natural and accurate in terms of word choice.
Lexical resource
RevisedFor them, encouraging their children to be successful is a form of significant support.
The revised sentence is more clear and accurate in terms of word choice.
Lexical resource
RevisedForcing them to meet idealized success standards can often do more harm than good.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate verb.
Having been criticised several times for their wrongdoings or lower performance at school, they start to engage in harsh self-talk such as “I am stupid” or “I am not good enough”. Even though I owe most of my achievements to these, I have already been used to conditional affection and approval that I always feel I need to achieve something to be loved by my parents.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedWhile this pressure stems from parental affection, it frequently results in several adverse outcomes.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a wider range of vocabulary to express the same idea.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedDepression in children is one such consequence.
The revised sentence is more direct and clear.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedI am an example of this, as my parents would constantly push me to be the best by using verbal criticism and setting unrealistic expectations for me in school.
The revised sentence is more clear and accurate in terms of grammar and sentence structure.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedBeyond these mental issues, children and teenagers whose parents tease them about their weight or closely monitor their eating habits are more likely to develop eating disorders and a poor body image.
The revised sentence is more clear and accurate in terms of grammar and sentence structure.
In conclusion, while wishing the best for the children, parents might unintentionally harm them mentally which result in negative self-talk or poor dietary habits.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedConsidering these factors, parents should begin adopting healthier motivational practices to avoid potentially severe mental health issues in their children.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise, which is more suitable for an IELTS essay.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion are clearly structured. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
- Ensure that your sentences are not too long or complex, which can sometimes make your writing less clear.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedWhile this pressure stems from parental affection, it frequently results in several adverse outcomes.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a wider range of vocabulary to express the same idea.
RevisedDepression in children is one such consequence.
The revised sentence is more direct and clear.
RevisedConsidering these factors, parents should begin adopting healthier motivational practices to avoid potentially severe mental health issues in their children.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise, which is more suitable for an IELTS essay.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions that could be improved.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedEven though it may be well-intentioned, pushing too hard can significantly impact children's mental health.
The revised sentence is more clear and accurate in terms of grammar and sentence structure.
RevisedI am an example of this, as my parents would constantly push me to be the best by using verbal criticism and setting unrealistic expectations for me in school.
The revised sentence is more clear and accurate in terms of grammar and sentence structure.
RevisedBeyond these mental issues, children and teenagers whose parents tease them about their weight or closely monitor their eating habits are more likely to develop eating disorders and a poor body image.
The revised sentence is more clear and accurate in terms of grammar and sentence structure.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. A variety of vocabulary and idiomatic expressions are used effectively. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAlthough it might appear harsh at times, parental pressure can be seen as a form of love
The revised sentence is more natural and accurate in terms of word choice.
RevisedFor them, encouraging their children to be successful is a form of significant support.
The revised sentence is more clear and accurate in terms of word choice.
RevisedForcing them to meet idealized success standards can often do more harm than good.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate verb.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout the response. The essay provides relevant, extended and supported ideas. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples to support the arguments.
Suggestions
- Try to include more specific examples to support your arguments. This will make your writing more concrete and persuasive.
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