Parents’ pressure to succeed: IELTS Task 2 essay #3, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
285 words. Marked by Axiom on 24 February 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2285 words
Parents are putting a lot pressure on their children to succeed. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?
Because of societal expectations and competition, many parents pushes their children to achieve high academic results and excel in various fields. As a result, childrens often feel overwhelmed and stressed. I believe this is a negative trend because excessive pressure can harm children's mental health and overall well-being.
They constantly remind their children of the importance of success, which creates a fear of failure. As a result, children feel anxious and struggle with self-esteem issues. Some children even lose interest in learning because they see education as a burden rather then an opportunity.
Lexical resource
RevisedMany parents set extremely high expectations for their children, hoping they will excel in school, participate in extracurricular activities, and secure a successful career.
The word 'hoping' is more appropriate in this context as it conveys the idea of an expectation without the connotation of it being a demand.
Lexical resource
RevisedFor instance, in countries like South Korea, where academic success is greatly valued, many students experience intense stress due to their parents' high expectations, leading to burnout and loss of motivation.
The revised sentence provides a more precise description of the situation.
Children who feel pressured to meet their parents' expectations may suffer from anxiety and depression. In extreme situations, some children may even engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms such as isolation, self-harm, or substance abuse to deal with the stress. For instance, studies have shown that in high-pressure academic environments, students are more likely to develop mental health issues and even consider suicide due to the overwhelming burdon placed on them.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedParental pressure can, in some cases, lead to serious consequences.
This revision provides a clearer connection between the cause (parental pressure) and the effect (serious consequences).
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThey might also suffer from sleep deprivation due to their long study hours.
The verb 'suffer from' is more appropriate in this context as it conveys the idea of experiencing a negative consequence.
In conclusion, due to increased expectations from parents, many children experience high levels of stress and anxiety. I am of the opinion that this is a negative development as it puts children's well-being at risk.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThis can lead to struggles with mental health issues and a potential loss of motivation.
The revised sentence provides a clearer cause and effect relationship.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion are clearly structured. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas.
- Ensure that your examples are directly relevant to the point you are making.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedParental pressure can, in some cases, lead to serious consequences.
This revision provides a clearer connection between the cause (parental pressure) and the effect (serious consequences).
RevisedThis can lead to struggles with mental health issues and a potential loss of motivation.
The revised sentence provides a clearer cause and effect relationship.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of complex structures. There are a few minor errors, but they do not impede communication.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedDue to societal expectations and competition, many parents push their children to achieve high academic results and excel in various fields.
The verb 'pushes' should agree with the subject 'parents'.
RevisedThey might also suffer from sleep deprivation due to their long study hours.
The verb 'suffer from' is more appropriate in this context as it conveys the idea of experiencing a negative consequence.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedMany parents set extremely high expectations for their children, hoping they will excel in school, participate in extracurricular activities, and secure a successful career.
The word 'hoping' is more appropriate in this context as it conveys the idea of an expectation without the connotation of it being a demand.
RevisedFor instance, in countries like South Korea, where academic success is greatly valued, many students experience intense stress due to their parents' high expectations, leading to burnout and loss of motivation.
The revised sentence provides a more precise description of the situation.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout the response. The arguments are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. However, the introduction could be more engaging and the conclusion could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Consider using a more engaging hook in your introduction to capture the reader's attention.
- In your conclusion, you could also mention the importance of finding a balance between parental support and expectations, to promote the well-being of children.
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