Looking for life on other planets: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
342 words. Marked by Axiom on 13 September 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2342 words
Some people want governments to spend money on other planets to look for life.Others believe that it is a waste of public money when there are many unsolved problems on Earth. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
There is a debate over spending money securing life in other planets with some saying this is advantageous for getting new data about science and technology and others arguing that there are enough problems to deal in the Earth.
For example, one of the greatest anchors of ours was Abu Rayhon Beruni. Furthermore, there are technological benefits such as powering crafts and satellites. The device that has been used in universe exploration and now very beneficial in supply of pure electricity is solar panels.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the one hand, the discovery of unknown materials or planets, provides several benefits, giving us not only scientific but also technological knowledge.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition between ideas.
Lexical resource
RevisedIt has been proven that studying the universe is connected to many things.
The revised sentence is more clear and concise.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedHe predicted the existence of a continent, which was later named America, long before Columbus, by studying the stars.
The revised sentence corrects the verb tense and improves the clarity and flow of the sentence.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedAdditionally, satellites, for example, are instrumental in forecasting impending disasters such as global warming and pollution.
The revised sentence is more clear and concise and uses more natural language.
I believe these are more urgent than development of technology and science. Issues like poverty for instance is a global problem and one third of the population in Africa is poor but even developed countries such as the USA and China have a high amount of homeless people. Also, there is a great disadvantage of exploration. For example, when rockets fly out of our atmosphere, they fragile our ozone layer every time which leads to global warming and awkward weathers.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the other hand, we have enough issues to tackle on Earth immediately, such as poverty and global warming.
The revised sentence provides a clearer transition to the discussion of Earth's problems.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedBoth of these countries have invested significant amounts of money into space exploration.
The revised sentence is more natural and grammatically correct.
Lexical resource
RevisedIf they had spent a third of that money on homeless people, we might not have homelessness today.
The revised sentence is more natural and grammatically correct.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, despite the advantages of space exploration, such as technological and scientific development, I believe the disadvantages outweigh the benefits, as the Earth's problems are pressing, and exploration has a detrimental impact on our ozone layer.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise conclusion to the essay.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction clearly states the topic and the writer's opinion, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The body paragraphs each focus on a different aspect of the argument, with clear topic sentences and supporting details. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit contrast between the benefits of space exploration and the needs of the Earth. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the writer's opinion, but it could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions between ideas.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOn the one hand, the discovery of unknown materials or planets, provides several benefits, giving us not only scientific but also technological knowledge.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition between ideas.
RevisedOn the other hand, we have enough issues to tackle on Earth immediately, such as poverty and global warming.
The revised sentence provides a clearer transition to the discussion of Earth's problems.
RevisedIn conclusion, despite the advantages of space exploration, such as technological and scientific development, I believe the disadvantages outweigh the benefits, as the Earth's problems are pressing, and exploration has a detrimental impact on our ozone layer.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise conclusion to the essay.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are very few grammatical errors. The essay demonstrates a good command of a range of grammatical structures, with a high level of accuracy. However, there are a few minor errors that could be corrected to improve clarity. The essay is generally well-organized and the ideas are connected coherently. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. The introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The body paragraphs each focus on a different aspect of the argument, with clear topic sentences and supporting details. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit contrast between the benefits of space exploration and the needs of the Earth. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the writer's opinion, but it could be more comprehensive.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedHe predicted the existence of a continent, which was later named America, long before Columbus, by studying the stars.
The revised sentence corrects the verb tense and improves the clarity and flow of the sentence.
RevisedAdditionally, satellites, for example, are instrumental in forecasting impending disasters such as global warming and pollution.
The revised sentence is more clear and concise and uses more natural language.
RevisedBoth of these countries have invested significant amounts of money into space exploration.
The revised sentence is more natural and grammatically correct.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary related to the topic, with appropriate use of technical terms. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be clarified. The writer uses a variety of sentence structures effectively, including complex and compound sentences. However, there are a few grammatical errors that could be corrected to improve clarity. Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of language, with few errors that do not impede understanding.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIt has been proven that studying the universe is connected to many things.
The revised sentence is more clear and concise.
RevisedOne of the greatest scholars in this field was Abu Rayhan al-Biruni.
The revised sentence is more accurate and idiomatic.
RevisedIf they had spent a third of that money on homeless people, we might not have homelessness today.
The revised sentence is more natural and grammatically correct.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay clearly addresses the topic and presents a well-developed argument. The writer's position is clear throughout the essay, with relevant supporting details. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay effectively addresses the counter-argument but could provide a more thorough discussion of the opposing view. The conclusion is clear and relevant but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
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