Looking for life on other planets: IELTS Task 2 essay #4, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
242 words. Marked by Axiom on 13 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2242 words
Some people want governments to spend money on other plants to look for life. Others believe that it is a waste of public money when there are many unsolved problems on Earth. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Some individuals think that investing money on space programs is a waste of money, while some feel that there are so many problems which should be solved on Earth, like education, healthcare, and infrastructure. In my view, the government should pay more attention to existing problems on Earth.
India can be a perfect case in point where citizens lack access to basic necessities. Therefore, in my view, spending money on space exploration is a waste of money, and these huge funds could be better spent on areas like education, healthcare, and infrastructure.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAdmittedly, space exploration has potential benefits that can justify the investments.
The revised sentence provides a clearer connection between the ideas.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHowever, the investment of billions of dollars into space programs is considered unjustifiable by many, especially given the millions suffering from malnourishment and poverty.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition and connection between the ideas.
Lexical resource
RevisedMoreover, space exploration has no tangible results, and the lives of ordinary people have not improved in any meaningful way.
The word 'destinies' is not appropriate in this context. The revised sentence uses a more suitable word.
However, proponents of space exploration argue that the potential benefits justify the investments. This is because it's crucial to find another habitable planet to ensure the survival of human race.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn addition, practical medical devices, such as insulin pumps, have been developed due to space research and have benefited everyday life.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and the repetition of the word 'medical'.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThey believe that other advancements in technology also stem from space exploration efforts.
The original sentence was somewhat unclear. The revised sentence provides more context and is thus more understandable.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, while space exploration has resulted in technological breakthroughs, I believe that investing in our basic necessities, such as healthcare, education, and infrastructure, can have a more direct and significant benefit on citizens.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct connection to the writer's opinion.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the ideas are connected, but there are some areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but the connection between some ideas and paragraphs could be enhanced. The introduction clearly states the two different viewpoints, but the transition to the body paragraphs is a bit abrupt. The body paragraphs each focus on a different viewpoint, but the connection between them could be smoother. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
- Ensure that your conclusion fully summarizes the arguments you have made in the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAdmittedly, space exploration has potential benefits that can justify the investments.
The revised sentence provides a clearer connection between the ideas.
RevisedHowever, the investment of billions of dollars into space programs is considered unjustifiable by many, especially given the millions suffering from malnourishment and poverty.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition and connection between the ideas.
RevisedIn conclusion, while space exploration has resulted in technological breakthroughs, I believe that investing in our basic necessities, such as healthcare, education, and infrastructure, can have a more direct and significant benefit on citizens.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct connection to the writer's opinion.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are free from grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence construction that could be revised for clarity. For example, "In practical medical or medical devices, like insulin pumps, are developed due to space research that benefited in everyday life" is grammatically incorrect and should be revised. Additionally, the use of "proponents of space exploration argue that the potential benefits justify the investments" is correct; however, the use of "Another habitable planet to ensure the survival of human race" is incorrect; the correct form should be "another habitable planet ensuring the survival of the human race."
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedPractical medical devices, such as insulin pumps, have been developed due to space research and have benefited everyday life.
The original sentence was grammatically incorrect. The revised sentence is more accurate and clear.
RevisedThey believe that other advancements in technology also stem from space exploration efforts.
The original sentence was somewhat unclear. The revised sentence provides more context and is thus more understandable.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity. For example, "in practical medical or medical devices, like insulin pumps, are developed due to space research that benefited in everyday life" is awkward and could be rephrased for clarity. Additionally, the use of "destinies of ordinary people's lives have not improved in any meaningful way" is incorrect; the correct word should be "lives."
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedMoreover, space exploration has no tangible results, and the lives of ordinary people have not improved in any meaningful way.
The word 'destinies' is not appropriate in this context. The revised sentence uses a more suitable word.
RevisedIn addition, practical medical devices, such as insulin pumps, have been developed due to space research and have benefited everyday life.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and the repetition of the word 'medical'.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout. However, the argument could be more fully developed in places. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both viewpoints and providing the writer's opinion. However, the arguments could be more fully developed, and the essay would benefit from more specific examples to support the points made. Additionally, the conclusion could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Ensure that you fully develop your arguments and provide specific examples to support your points.
- Consider providing a more comprehensive conclusion that summarizes the main points made in the essay.
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