Declining animals and plants: IELTS Task 2 essay #11, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
370 words. Marked by Axiom on 25 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2370 words
In many countries, the number of animals and plants is declining. Why do you think it is happening? How can this issue be solved?
While there are some human-induced factors that account for this tendency, a set of stringent environmental measures can be implemented to address the problem.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedAround the world, there is a growing concern over the diminishing number of wildlife creatures and plants.
The revised sentence corrects the use of the incorrect term 'diminishing number'.
To meet our needs for accommodation, agriculture produce and transport infrastructure, we encroach on habitats of animals and green zones, where various flowers, bushes, trees, rodents, birds, and other animals make up an essential part of the entire ecosystem.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHuman induction is one reason behind the declining number of animals and plants.
The revised sentence is more direct and clear.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis situation is exacerbated by the fact that industries are increasingly expanding, which inevitably leads to the extermination of the inhabitants of the forests and lands we invade.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear expression of the idea.
Although such activities boost agricultural production and generate streams of income necessary to cope with rising demands, for example in housing, education and healthcare sectors of economy, these practices come at the cost of wildlife, since they incorporate the use of toxic substances like fertilizers and pesticides.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHarmful agricultural practices are another catalyst of the decline of flora and fauna.
The revised sentence is more direct and clear.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedUnfortunately, these activities indiscriminately decimate habitats.
The revised sentence provides a more clear and grammatically accurate expression of the idea.
When these organizations are permitted to run their business by certain season, their detrimental impact reduces as ecosystems can recover within no-hunting, no-farming or no-fishing intervals.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedSeveral policies, such as strict environmental restrictions imposed on agricultural companies, could mitigate the magnitude of the issue and alleviate the destruction of animal and plant species.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct connection between the ideas.
With people adhering to mindful practices, including but not limited to re-using plastic items and grassroots intended to clear local rivers and parks, bodies in power can channel more funds into animal conservation and green projects, all of which are geared towards saving nature. In the long run, this cooperation can not only save the environment but also decelerate the decimation of animal and plant species.
Lexical resource
RevisedTo maximize the positive effect of these regulations, private and public sectors should collaborate.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear expression of the idea.
To alleviate these, rational environmental regulations should be passed, with the general public and authorities working hand in hand to reinforce the efficacy of these reforms.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIn conclusion, the global issue of the disappearing animals and plants can be attributed to destructive human actions and the use of toxic chemicals in agriculture.
The revised sentence provides a more clear and grammatically accurate expression of the idea.
366 words, 35 minutes
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved.
Suggestions
- Consider using more linking words to improve the flow of ideas.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedHuman induction is one reason behind the declining number of animals and plants.
The revised sentence is more direct and clear.
RevisedHarmful agricultural practices are another catalyst of the decline of flora and fauna.
The revised sentence is more direct and clear.
RevisedSeveral policies, such as strict environmental restrictions imposed on agricultural companies, could mitigate the magnitude of the issue and alleviate the destruction of animal and plant species.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct connection between the ideas.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of complex structures. There are a few minor errors, but they do not impede communication.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAround the world, there is a growing concern over the diminishing number of wildlife creatures and plants.
The revised sentence corrects the use of the incorrect term 'diminishing number'.
RevisedUnfortunately, these activities indiscriminately decimate habitats.
The revised sentence provides a more clear and grammatically accurate expression of the idea.
RevisedIn conclusion, the global issue of the disappearing animals and plants can be attributed to destructive human actions and the use of toxic chemicals in agriculture.
The revised sentence provides a more clear and grammatically accurate expression of the idea.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedTo meet our needs for accommodation, agricultural produce, and transport infrastructure, we often encroach on habitats of animals and green zones.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate word choice.
RevisedThis situation is exacerbated by the fact that industries are increasingly expanding, which inevitably leads to the extermination of the inhabitants of the forests and lands we invade.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear expression of the idea.
RevisedTo maximize the positive effect of these regulations, private and public sectors should collaborate.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear expression of the idea.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses all parts of the task and provides a clear position throughout the response. The essay could be improved by providing more specific examples to support the arguments.
Suggestions
- Consider providing more specific examples to support your arguments.
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