Declining animals and plants: IELTS Task 2 essay #9, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
454 words. Marked by Axiom on 8 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2454 words
In many countries, the number of animals and plants is declining. Why do you think this is happening? How can this issue be solved?
Among many hot topics in discussions today is the loss of biodiversity, which is happening at an unprecedented rate in numerous regions of the world. While this trend can be attributed primarily to climate change and human activities, effective strategies can be adopted to reverse it.
One such cause is human activities, including habitat destruction and over-exploitation of natural resources. On top of that, land conversion for agriculture is a common practice today, depriving animals species of their natural habitats. People are also poaching animal and plant species to either conduct a test on them or making products out of them, say, for medicine and trade, to make a living.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedA range of factors, including a significant decline in flora and fauna, are driving this trend.
This revision helps to connect the idea more smoothly to the following sentences, which discuss the specific factors contributing to the decline in biodiversity.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis is happening because people are clearing forests for timber production, often for construction and paper manufacturing, to meet the needs of growing populations.
The revision simplifies and clarifies the sentence, making it more concise and precise.
Lexical resource
RevisedThese are all human-induced factors contributing to the loss of biodiversity.
The revision provides a more precise and academic phrasing.
Changing weather patters are making it difficult for species that are oversensitive to changes to survive. One pertinent example is Polar bears suffering from melting Arctic sea ice due to global warming. This is just one example of many demonstrating the effects of climate change that are playing a critical part in the extinction of both animal and plant species.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFurthermore, climate change is also contributing to the extinction of certain species.
The revision provides a clearer and more direct statement of the relationship between climate change and species extinction.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis global issue is making it difficult for these species to survive as their habitats become inhospitable, often due to a lack of suitable hunting alternatives, thus making migration almost pointless.
The revision clarifies and simplifies the sentence, making it more precise and academic.
Firstly, it is important to identify the parts where most endangered species live and the causes for their decline. For instance, if it is for human actions, placing certain limitations helps reverse this extinction. These activities could include illegal hunting and turning animal habitats into lands for agriculture. Doing so exemplifies the consequence of being careless to the natural ecosystems, potentially turning people into the sustainable way of earning a livelihood. Additionally, conservative programs like creating protected areas and reforestation should be introduced considering many habitats lost. They aimed at restoring places that are home to many unique species, helping them to recover. A line of solutions can extend beyond these.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedNow, let's consider the solutions. Addressing biodiversity loss requires a multifaceted approach.
The revision provides a smoother transition to the discussion of solutions.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedTo prevent these actions, people should face heavy taxes or, in extreme cases, sentencing.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression.
In conclusion, factors like various human practices and climate change are the primary drivers of mass extinction of both animal and plant species. However, effective measures, such as enforcing stricter regulations on people disrupting the world of flora and fauna and bringing the lost areas back can be taken to halt this trend.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that each discuss a single cause or solution, and a conclusion that effectively summarizes the main points. You use transition words and phrases ("One such cause," "What is more," "Moving on to solutions") to guide the reader through the text and link ideas. To improve cohesion, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that the ideas within paragraphs are logically ordered and clearly connected to each other and to the main topic.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to improve the flow of ideas.
- Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedA range of factors, including a significant decline in flora and fauna, are driving this trend.
This revision helps to connect the idea more smoothly to the following sentences, which discuss the specific factors contributing to the decline in biodiversity.
RevisedFurthermore, climate change is also contributing to the extinction of certain species.
The revision provides a clearer and more direct statement of the relationship between climate change and species extinction.
RevisedNow, let's consider the solutions. Addressing biodiversity loss requires a multifaceted approach.
The revision provides a smoother transition to the discussion of solutions.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of complex structures. The essay features a variety of sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are free from grammatical errors. However, there are a few sentences that are overly complex or awkward, which could be simplified for clarity. To demonstrate a higher level of grammatical range and accuracy, consider varying your sentence structures and using a wider range of grammatical constructions. Additionally, be mindful of word form and agreement to ensure grammatical accuracy throughout the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAmong the many hot topics in today's discussions is the loss of biodiversity, which is occurring at an unprecedented rate in numerous regions of the world.
The revision corrects the awkward phrasing and provides a more natural and clear expression.
RevisedThis is happening because people are clearing forests for timber, often for construction and paper production, to meet the needs of growing populations.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression.
RevisedTo prevent these actions, people should face heavy taxes or, in extreme cases, sentencing.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. You demonstrate a good command of vocabulary, with a range of appropriate terms and phrases related to the topic. Your use of terminology is accurate and effectively conveys your ideas. To further enhance your lexical resource, consider incorporating more varied and precise vocabulary to avoid repetition and enrich your expression. Additionally, be mindful of using formal and academic language throughout the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThis is happening because people are clearing forests for timber production, often for construction and paper manufacturing, to meet the needs of growing populations.
The revision simplifies and clarifies the sentence, making it more concise and precise.
RevisedThese are all human-induced factors contributing to the loss of biodiversity.
The revision provides a more precise and academic phrasing.
RevisedThis global issue is making it difficult for these species to survive as their habitats become inhospitable, often due to a lack of suitable hunting alternatives, thus making migration almost pointless.
The revision clarifies and simplifies the sentence, making it more precise and academic.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout the response. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the reasons for the decline in the number of animals and plants in many countries and proposing solutions to this issue. You have provided a clear explanation of the factors contributing to biodiversity loss and outlined potential strategies to address this problem. Your ideas are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. To further enhance your task response, consider providing more specific examples or data to support your arguments and make your position more persuasive. Additionally, ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the key points discussed and reinforces your position.
Suggestions
- Consider providing more specific examples or data to support your arguments.
- Ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the key points discussed and reinforces your position.
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