Energy sources in Australia: IELTS Task 1 answer #1, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
209 words. Marked by Axiom on 28 August 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The pie chart this answer describes
Show the data
| Share | |
|---|---|
| Coal | 39 |
| Oil | 32.5 |
| Gas | 22.9 |
| Other | 3.8 |
| Solar | 1.3 |
| Wind | 0.3 |
| Hydro | 0.2 |
| Share | |
|---|---|
| Coal | 27 |
| Oil | 35.5 |
| Gas | 32 |
| Other | 3.6 |
| Geothermal | 4.3 |
| Wind | 1.2 |
| Hydro | 0.7 |
Academic Task 1209 words
The charts below show energy sources in Australia in 2008 and predictions for 2030.0
The two pie charts below illustrate the amount of energy sources in Australia in 2008 and in the future, 2030.
Overall, sources like oil, coal, and gas exhibited consistently higher figures while the reverse was true for geothermal, wind, hydro, and others. In addition, despite the dominance of coal source in 2008, it is predicted that the percentage of oil will increase noticeably in the second year.
In 2008, the proportion of coal showed the highest figure at 39%. However, in 2030, it is predicted that the proportion of coal will drop to
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn both 2008 and 2030, oil, coal, and gas were the categories that exhibited the highest figures.
This revision provides a clearer and more precise statement.
22.30%. Furthermore, the percentage of oil exhibited 32.50% in 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedConversely, wind, hydro, geothermal, and solar power, along with other sources, were associated with smaller figures.
This revision provides a more detailed and precise statement.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe contribution of wind energy was 0.30% in 2008, and is projected to increase marginally to 0.70% in 2030.
This revision corrects the awkward phrasing 'it will be increased negligibly' and provides a more natural expression.
Lexical resource
RevisedHydro energy accounted for the smallest proportion at 0.20% in 2008, despite an increase to 0.70% in 2030, still making it the least represented energy source.
This revision corrects awkward phrasing and provides a more natural expression.
Lexical resource
RevisedDespite comprising 0.80% of the total energy in 2008, solar power is projected to be absent by 2030.
This revision corrects grammatical errors and provides a more accurate expression.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedMoreover, the contribution of other sources to the energy sector remained constant at 4.30% in both 2008 and 2030, a figure that was equivalent to geothermal energy's share in 2030.
This revision provides a clearer and more detailed statement.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. The writer effectively uses cohesive devices and topic sentences to link ideas and paragraphs.
Suggestions
- Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your writing.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and avoid repetition of ideas.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIn both 2008 and 2030, oil, coal, and gas were the categories that exhibited the highest figures.
This revision provides a clearer and more precise statement.
RevisedConversely, wind, hydro, geothermal, and solar power, along with other sources, were associated with smaller figures.
This revision provides a more detailed and precise statement.
RevisedMoreover, the contribution of other sources to the energy sector remained constant at 4.30% in both 2008 and 2030, a figure that was equivalent to geothermal energy's share in 2030.
This revision provides a clearer and more detailed statement.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures and is generally accurate. However, there are a few minor errors that could be addressed.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThe contribution of wind energy was 0.30% in 2008, and is projected to increase marginally to 0.70% in 2030.
This revision corrects the awkward phrasing 'it will be increased negligibly' and provides a more natural expression.
RevisedDespite comprising 0.80% of the total energy in 2008, solar power is projected to be absent by 2030.
This revision corrects the grammatical error 'it will be disappeared' and provides a more accurate expression.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary and some awareness of collocation. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedHydro energy accounted for the smallest proportion at 0.20% in 2008, despite an increase to 0.70% in 2030, still making it the least represented energy source.
This revision corrects awkward phrasing and provides a more natural expression.
RevisedDespite comprising 0.80% of the total energy in 2008, solar power is projected to be absent by 2030.
This revision corrects grammatical errors and provides a more accurate expression.
RevisedIn 2008, coal contributed the largest share at 39%. However, by 2030, this is expected to decrease to 22.30%.
This revision provides a more precise and natural expression.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay provides a detailed and accurate description of the information presented in the charts. The writer makes comparisons where relevant and identifies key trends. However, the writer could improve by providing a more detailed analysis of the data.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the data, including reasons for the trends and potential implications.
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