Time away from family: IELTS Task 2 essay #3, band 7.0

In modern world, increasing number of people all around the world are spending less and less time with their families. This could be due to the desire to allocate more time on personal purposes or job, which in long term may negatively affect the unity of family.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIn the modern world, an increasing number of people from diverse locations are dedicating less and less time to their families.

   The phrase 'from diverse locations' is more precise than 'from different cities'. The phrase 'dedicating less time to their families' is more appropriate in this context than 'spending less time'.

In most cases, such a decision comedy from the idea to have a rest from constant household problems. Whether it would be an argument with annoying partner or issues of child at school, some parent just want to get rid of this chaos. Even if avoiding these problems is, in fact, delaying them, parents still want to feel free and far from them at least for short periods. For example, couples who can not find time to enjoy each other simply leave their child with relative or child keeper, so as to relax for extended period in distant Hawaii islands.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn most cases, such a decision comes from the need to rest from constant household problems.

   The word 'comedy' is a typographical error and should be replaced with 'comes'. The phrase 'from the idea to have a rest' is awkward and can be rephrased for clarity.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedWhether it involves conflicts with a demanding partner or issues with a child at school, some parents may seek to escape from this turmoil.

   The phrase 'get rid of this chaos' is too informal for an academic essay and can be replaced with 'escape from this turmoil'. The word 'demanding' is more appropriate in this context than 'annoying'.

3. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedEven though avoiding these problems is, in fact, a form of delaying them, parents still seek to feel free and distant from them, at least for short periods.

   The sentence is a bit confusing and the structure can be improved for clarity.

4. Lexical resource

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   RevisedFor example, couples who struggle to find time to themselves may leave their child with a relative or a childcare provider in order to relax for an extended period in a distant location, such as the Hawaiian Islands.

   The sentence is a bit long and the structure can be improved for clarity. The phrase 'so as to relax for extended period in distant Hawaii islands' is awkward and can be rephrased.

Another important cause is job. More often than not, Parents feel urge to earn as much money as possible with the aim of giving their family better life. Often they try to find work abroad or apply for vocational works, but in some cases, the job itself requires long times and distances away from home. The job of truckers, to take as example, includes driving months of sleepless nights to another countries, which is also exacerbated with the way back.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedOften, they may seek work abroad or apply for vocational jobs, but in some cases, the job itself requires long periods of time and distance away from home.

   The phrase 'vocational works' is incorrect and should be 'vocational jobs'. The phrase 'long times and distances' is awkward and can be replaced with 'long periods of time and distance'.

Such conditions can have less obvious effects on family relationships, but by time they become more remarkable. Spending less time with family leads to poor interactions and conversations with other family members. Ultimately, they lose initial bonds and connection with family. As a result, partners may have more arguments, while children will show less respect, because they barely even see that parent. And the only way to eliminate this situation is for people to prioritize family over any job offers.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThese conditions can have subtle effects on family relationships, which can become more significant over time.

   The phrase 'but by time they become more remarkable' is awkward and the intended meaning is unclear.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedAs a result, partners may have more arguments, while children may show less respect, as they rarely see their parent.

   The phrase 'because they barely even see that parent' is awkward and the word 'even' is unnecessary.

In conclusion, the shortening of time with family and increase in distance between them definitely should be avoided. Although some parents are tired from home issues or conversely want to put more on the family table, they still should think about bad consequence of it - losing family bonds - which is by far crucial.