Time away from family: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
307 words. Marked by Axiom on 22 September 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2307 words
Nowadays, more and more people from different cities are spending more time away from their families. What are the possible reasons and the effects on the people themselves and their families?
Family time is shrinking in the lives of many, with people increasingly spending time away from their households. While there are two primary reasons why this is happening, the impact of this development is mostly negative.
This involves long commutes to work, leaving them very little time to spend with family.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedA significant contributor to this trend is related to work.
The revised sentence provides a more concise and direct explanation.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedWell-paying jobs are not always available in all places, which often forces people to seek employment outside of their hometowns.
The revised sentence is more accurate and clear.
Most people today choose universities located overseas or in other parts of their country, in part because they cannot find the right program in their locality. Sometimes, their desired course may be offered by a local university, but its quality may not be up to par. In either case, students have to spend extended periods of time away from home.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAnother reason for being away from family is the pursuit of higher education.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more formal explanation.
When living away from home, however, this aid is not easily accessible, and as a result, people may struggle to get by.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThis trend can have several negative effects, two of which are particularly significant.
The revised sentence provides a more engaging and formal introduction to the discussion of the negative effects.
Lexical resource
RevisedOne potential problem is the lack of a support network.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and clear.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFamilies often provide a safety net in times of need, offering support during emergencies, whether financial or otherwise.
The revised sentence is more clear and natural.
Over time, this lack of physical presence may grow into apathy or, in worst cases, even family breakdown.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFurthermore, insufficient time spent with family members can seriously strain relationships.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis is because extended absences can result in missed family celebrations, thereby weakening the relationships.
The revised sentence uses more precise language and improves the formality and clarity of the expression.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn conclusion, while the primary reasons for being away from family are related to work and education, the effects of this increasing trend are twofold: reduced stability in life and strained relationships.
The revised sentence uses more precise language and improves the formality and clarity of the expression.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion are clearly structured. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedA significant contributor to this trend is related to work.
The revised sentence provides a more concise and direct explanation.
RevisedAnother reason for being away from family is the pursuit of higher education.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more formal explanation.
RevisedThis trend can have several negative effects, two of which are particularly significant.
The revised sentence provides a more engaging and formal introduction to the discussion of the negative effects.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay shows a good control of a range of grammatical structures, with only minor errors. However, there are a few sentences that could be phrased more clearly.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedWell-paying jobs are not always available in all places, which often forces people to seek employment outside of their hometowns.
The revised sentence is more accurate and clear.
RevisedFamilies often provide a safety net in times of need, offering support during emergencies, whether financial or otherwise.
The revised sentence is more clear and natural.
RevisedFurthermore, insufficient time spent with family members can seriously strain relationships.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOne potential problem is the lack of a support network.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and clear.
RevisedThis is because extended absences can result in missed family celebrations, thereby weakening the relationships.
The revised sentence uses more precise language and improves the formality and clarity of the expression.
RevisedIn conclusion, while the primary reasons for being away from family are related to work and education, the effects of this increasing trend are twofold: reduced stability in life and strained relationships.
The revised sentence uses more precise language and improves the formality and clarity of the expression.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout the response. The essay provides relevant, extended and supported ideas.
Suggestions
- Ensure that you fully develop all of your points and provide sufficient support for your arguments.
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