Time away from family: IELTS Task 2 essay #5, band 6.5

In this modernized world, many people spend a significant amount of time away from their families.. The reasons for their actions vary, and I believe this change benefits both the individuals themselves and their families.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn this modern world, many individuals are spending a significant amount of time away from their families.

   The term 'modernized world' is not commonly used and may cause some confusion. 'Modern world' is a more appropriate term in this context.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThe reasons for this separation vary, and in my opinion, it benefits both the individuals and their families.

   The sentence is a bit confusing and could be more clear and direct.

There are two main reasons for separation from their families. First of all, many people relocate for educational purposes which leads often to require them to live in different cities or even countries away from their families. In other words, in many countries, the teaching quality or facilities may poor, this , in turn , they may tend to study better educational institutions . For example, Uzbekistan , Tashkent, many students complained about their study in the field of medicine university due to not only lack of medical instruments but also, having inexperienced teachers. Subsequently, they moved to South Korea where one of the best medical universities have located. Moreover, the major cause may leads to career opportunities, including, job prospects, career advancement even if needs to spend their times far from their families.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIn other words, in many countries, the quality of teaching or facilities may be poor, and as a result, students may be inclined to seek out better educational institutions.

   The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision provides a more accurate and clear explanation.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedFor instance, in Tashkent, Uzbekistan, many students studying medicine have reported dissatisfaction with the university due to a lack of proper medical instruments and inexperienced teachers.

   The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revision provides a more clear and concise explanation.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedSubsequently, they moved to South Korea, home to some of the best medical universities.

   The revised sentence is more natural and fluent.

I, however, subscribe to the idea that working or studying far from their relatives which can be brought many advantages both of them. This is because individuals to moving one place to another strange place without any kind of supports which can enhanced personal growth and independence. It provides opportunities to learn new skills and adapt to diverse environments and it leads to improve management of family before the marriage years .One another upside of living away from families is learn new culture. Living in a different country exposes to individuals to diverse new culture, languages and traditions. This exposures can foster cultural appreciation and tolerance as well as enrich the horizon.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedI, however, believe that working or studying far from one's family can bring many advantages for both the individuals and their families.

   The sentence is not well-structured and the meaning is a bit unclear.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedAnother advantage of living away from one’s family is the opportunity to learn a new culture.

   The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision provides a more accurate and clear explanation.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThese exposures can foster cultural appreciation and tolerance, as well as broaden horizons.

   The original sentence is grammatically incorrect. The revision provides a more accurate and clear explanation.

To sum up, There are so many reasons for living without family in different city or country, I believe it is for the most part advantageous seeing as it has enhanced the self-realization and learn new cultural knowledge