Time away from family: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
301 words. Marked by Axiom on 26 July 2024, then checked by a teacher. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2301 words
Nowadays, more and more people from different cities are spending more time away from their families. What are the possible reasons and the effects on the people themselves and their families?
Today, it is common to see people being far away from their families for an extended period. While this phenomenon can be put down to several reasons such as work and study, it is essential not to dismiss its possible effects on individuals and their families.
Many people go abroad for earning money since foreign countries offer high salaries for employees. Another reason is higher education. Nowadays most individuals are likely to study in foreign universities, which are renowned for better education and opportunities. Having studied there, students have their own study related concerns which is why they fail to allocate time for their families.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe primary reason for people spending time away from their families is due to work opportunities.
The revised sentence is more coherent and easier to understand.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedBy being there, people have a greater opportunity to save money and be financially independent, as they tend to live alone and consume fewer goods.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct and more concise.
Firstly, staying away from their families results in homesicknes and loneliness. Feelings of disconnection from their families can lead to persistent feelings of loneliness and longing for home. This can include household chores or caring for children. As a result, increased workload can lead to stress and burnouts.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedWhile it is important to understand the reasons for people living away from their families, we must also consider the implications for both the individuals and their families.
The revision provides a clearer and more direct statement of the central idea.
Lexical resource
RevisedDifferences in time zones and busy schedules in other countries often make it difficult for individuals to connect with their family members.
The revised sentence is more natural and fluent.
Lexical resource
RevisedApart from this, when family members are separated, those who remain often have to take on responsibilities that were previously shared.
The revised sentence is more natural and fluent.
However, they should mind some possible effects such as feeling of loneliness and extra burden for their family members.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, spending time away from families can result from work and education.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct and conveys the intended meaning more clearly.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction and conclusion effectively link the reasons to the effects, but the connection between individual points can be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. Clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and more explicit linking phrases would help guide the reader through the essay. Ensuring consistent punctuation and spacing will also improve readability.
Suggestions
- Improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
- Ensure seamless cohesion between sentences, and make sure every sentence reads smoothly
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe primary reason for people spending time away from their families is due to work opportunities.
The revised sentence is more coherent and easier to understand.
RevisedWhile it is important to understand the reasons for people living away from their families, we must also consider the implications for both the individuals and their families.
The revision provides a clearer and more direct statement of the central idea.
RevisedIn conclusion, spending time away from families can result from work and education.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct and conveys the intended meaning more clearly.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of sentence structures and is mostly grammatically accurate. However, there are a few minor errors. These include issues with punctuation, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. For example, "The main culprit behind spending time away families" should be "The main reason for spending time away from families," and "reducing the the amount of goods they consume" should be "reducing the amount of goods they consume." Paying closer attention to grammatical accuracy, including correct verb forms and preposition usage, will improve the overall quality of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe main reason for spending time away from families is work opportunities.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct and more precise.
RevisedBy being there, people have a greater opportunity to save money and be financially independent, as they tend to live alone and consume fewer goods.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct and more concise.
RevisedIn conclusion, spending time away from families can be a result of work and education.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct and easier to understand.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. For example, "the main culprit behind spending time away families" could be rephrased as "the primary reason for being away from families." Improving lexical precision and variety will enhance the clarity and professionalism of the essay. Additionally, ensuring correct spelling and grammar usage will improve overall readability.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe primary reason for spending time away from families is work opportunities.
The term 'culprit' is not appropriate in this context. 'Primary reason' is a more suitable choice.
RevisedDifferences in time zones and busy schedules in other countries often make it difficult for individuals to connect with their family members.
The revised sentence is more natural and fluent.
RevisedApart from this, when family members are separated, those who remain often have to take on responsibilities that were previously shared.
The revised sentence is more natural and fluent.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing reasons for and effects of people spending time away from their families. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing reasons for people spending time away from their families and the effects on both individuals and their families. The clear structure and logical flow of ideas contribute to the overall effectiveness of your response. With minor adjustments in phrasing and examples, your essay can achieve an even higher level of clarity and impact.
Suggestions
- Ensure clarity and conciseness in phrasing to enhance readability.
- Avoid minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to maintain the essay's flow.
- Provide more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the arguments further.
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