Time away from family: IELTS Task 2 essay #4, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
306 words. Marked by Axiom on 2 October 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2306 words
Nowadays, more and more people from different cities are spending more time away from their families. What are the possible reasons and the effects on the people themselves and their families?
In this contemporary world, it is true that more and more people tend to go abroad, resulting in being far away from their families.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedBetter education systems and job opportunities can be reasons for this trend.
The revised sentence is more natural and idiomatic.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedHowever, this trend can lead to several problems, such as weakening of relationships, which may hinder individuals from achieving their goals related to study or work.
The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revision provides a more concise and direct statement of the point.
Nowadays, most people are likely to prefer to live in another city because of some reasons related to working and gaining knowledge or experiences.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn fact, some developed countries have a better educational system than others, offering modern technologies and professional teachers.
The sentence is a bit confusing and could be more clearly expressed.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis is often a primary reason for individuals to study abroad.
The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revision provides a more concise and direct statement of the point.
It is also notable that there are some well-paid jobs available in specific developed countries. For instance, jobs related to science like robotics, IT, and engineering are not developed in some countries. People are likely to want to go to another country for their finances.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHowever, countries like the USA, UK, and Germany are known for providing well-paid jobs in these fields.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct statement of the point.
People can learn new languages for going abroad, and this is one of the best impacts. Secondly, by observing and comparing other nations' traditions, cultures, and societies, individuals can broaden their horizons. However, migrants cannot spend time with their families, leading to a weakening of contacts.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThis trend can have both positive and negative effects on individuals.
The term 'one's life' is a bit vague and could be more specific.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThis can result in psychological issues, which may lead to conflicts in society and affect their commitments.
The revised sentence provides a more clear and direct statement of the point.
This development can help people learn about other nations' cultures and explore their nature, while there are some negative effects, like missing one's family.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn conclusion, individuals may migrate to another country for a variety of reasons, including the pursuit of well-paid work and high-quality education.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone, which is more suitable for an IELTS essay.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the main points well, but the connection between different ideas could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. Clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and more explicit linking phrases would help guide the reader through the essay. Ensuring consistent punctuation and spacing will also improve readability.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
- Make sure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThis trend can have both positive and negative effects on individuals.
The term 'one's life' is a bit vague and could be more specific.
RevisedIn fact, some developed countries have a better educational system than others, offering modern technologies and professional teachers.
The sentence is a bit confusing and could be more clearly expressed.
RevisedHowever, countries like the USA, UK, and Germany are known for providing well-paid jobs in these fields.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct statement of the point.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence construction. The essay contains a few grammatical errors that affect clarity and readability. For example, "A better education system and job opportunities can be reasons for this trend" could be phrased more clearly as "Better education systems and job opportunities can be reasons for this trend". Paying closer attention to grammatical accuracy, including correct verb forms and preposition usage, will improve the overall quality of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedBetter education systems and job opportunities can be reasons for this trend.
The revised sentence is more natural and idiomatic.
RevisedHowever, this trend can lead to several problems, such as weakening of relationships, which may hinder individuals from achieving their goals related to study or work.
The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revision provides a more concise and direct statement of the point.
RevisedThis can result in psychological issues, which may lead to conflicts in society and affect their commitments.
The revised sentence provides a more clear and direct statement of the point.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. For example, "going to another city, meaning most individuals are likely to go abroad on purpose of studying" is awkward and could be phrased more naturally. Improving lexical precision and variety will enhance the clarity and professionalism of the essay. Additionally, ensuring correct spelling and grammar usage will improve overall readability.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThis is often a primary reason for individuals to study abroad.
The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revision provides a more concise and direct statement of the point.
RevisedHowever, these countries often offer well-paid jobs in these fields.
The revised sentence is more natural and idiomatic.
RevisedIn conclusion, individuals may migrate to another country for a variety of reasons, including the pursuit of well-paid work and high-quality education.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone, which is more suitable for an IELTS essay.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout. However, the argument could be more fully developed in places. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the reasons why people may choose to live in another country and the effects of this on them and their families. The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, and the body paragraphs are well-organized and focused. However, the argument could be more fully developed in places. The essay could benefit from more specific examples to support the points made.
Suggestions
- Try to develop your arguments more fully, providing more detailed explanations and examples.
- Make sure that each paragraph has a clear focus and is well-developed.
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