Space exploration and spending: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 6.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
230 words. Marked by Axiom on 5 September 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2230 words
Space exploration is waste of resources. It would be better to spend that money for improving people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Exploring space is considering a waste of resources. Instead, that money should be .
Lexical resource
Revisedinvested to make people’s lives better
The word 'invested' is more appropriate in the context of resources or money.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedI strongly agree with that idea for several reasons.
The phrase 'based on some reason' is not grammatically correct. 'Several reasons' is more appropriate in this context.
However, there is not any desirable result despite millions of dollars. Nowadays, life has become quite challenging for individuals, and they are facing several problems, like the financial side. For example, in Uzbekistan, every year before the start of the new school year, the government provides special social packages, such as money, clothing, or books, to children from poor families.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedExploring space requires significant effort and expertise.
The revised sentence is more concise and has a better flow.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedInvesting the budget on improving people's lives would be a great idea.
The revised sentence provides a clearer connection to the previous point about the value of human life.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIn this scenario, the government can improve people's lives by providing financial assistance.
The revised sentence is more concise and natural.
It is obvious that some individuals have serious medical conditions as a result of global change, air pollution, and a lack of nutrition. They might be struggling to buy necessary medicines. Instead of spending money to explore the universe, it should be used for that kind of stuff, and that really helps people to make their lives easier.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedA significant portion of the budget should be allocated to healthcare,
The revised sentence is more specific and clearly connects to the point being made.
In conclusion, I believe that is not beneficial.
Lexical resource
Revisedspending the budget on space exploration
The revised sentence is more clear and natural.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIf that money is invested in people or their healthcare, it can significantly improve their quality of life.
The revised sentence is more natural and conveys the intended meaning more clearly.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the ideas are connected, but there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of linking words. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction clearly states your position, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. Using a wider variety of transitions could help guide the reader through your argument more effectively. Additionally, ensuring consistent punctuation will make your writing more professional and easier to read.
Suggestions
- Improve the flow of information between and within the paragraphs.
- Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more effectively.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedExploring space requires significant effort and expertise.
The revised sentence is more concise and has a better flow.
RevisedInvesting the budget on improving people's lives would be a great idea.
The revised sentence provides a clearer connection to the previous point about the value of human life.
RevisedA significant portion of the budget should be allocated to healthcare,
The revised sentence is more specific and clearly connects to the point being made.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and sentence structure, with a variety of sentence types used effectively. However, there are some grammatical errors that can be distracting and affect the overall clarity of your writing. For example, "the government should provide that budget for healthcare" might be more clearly phrased as "the government should allocate that budget for healthcare." Proofreading your work carefully for these types of errors will help improve the overall quality of your writing.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedI strongly agree with that idea for several reasons.
The phrase 'based on some reason' is not grammatically correct. 'Several reasons' is more appropriate in this context.
RevisedIn this scenario, the government can improve people's lives by providing financial assistance.
The revised sentence is more concise and natural.
RevisedIf that money is invested in people or their healthcare, it can significantly improve their quality of life.
The revised sentence is more natural and conveys the intended meaning more clearly.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. You use a range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, which is good. However, there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that affect clarity. For example, "discovering space" might be more appropriately phrased as "exploring space," and "investigated to make people’s lives better" should be "invested to make people’s lives better." Paying closer attention to word choice and ensuring the correct use of idiomatic expressions will improve the overall quality of your writing.
Sentence revisions 3
Revisedexploring space requires a lot of effort
The word 'exploring' is more commonly used in the context of space activities.
Revisedinvested to make people’s lives better
The word 'invested' is more appropriate in the context of resources or money.
Revisedspending the budget on space exploration
The revised sentence is more clear and natural.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. The essay could be further developed with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of prioritizing space exploration over improving people's lives. You have clearly stated your position at the beginning and end of the essay, which is good. Your argument is relevant and well-explained, but it would benefit from more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you mention a program in Uzbekistan that provides support to children from poor families before the start of the school year, which is a good start. However, providing additional details about how this program has benefited the recipients would strengthen your argument. Additionally, a deeper exploration of the potential benefits of space exploration, followed by a clear refutation of these points, would provide a more balanced and well-rounded argument.
Suggestions
- Develop your argument with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of prioritizing space exploration over improving people's lives.
- Incorporate specific, real-world examples that demonstrate the impact of funding on social programs and healthcare. For example, you could discuss a country that has significantly improved life expectancy or quality of life by investing in healthcare and social services. This would provide a direct comparison to the potential benefits of space exploration and strengthen your argument.
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