Poverty and crime: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 6.5

There is an ongoing debate among people about the reasons why some individuals commit crimes. Some people think that the main reason of being criminal is poverty, while I maintain that there are other factors as well.

On the one hand, poverty affects people’ lives since if we have economic problems, we have to commit crimes. For example, if people are suffering from lack of money, they have to join gangs because of earning sufficient money. As a result, they may contribute to increase a crime rate significantly in the country. Furthermore, some people may robbery banks or stole someone’ money or even they may be murder because of this. Therefore, the authorities should provide with adequate fund those who have financial problems. Not only they cause to increase crime rate, but they also impact on the safety of society negatively.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedAs a result, they may significantly contribute to an increase in the crime rate in the country.

   The sentence was revised to correct the collocation and improve the accuracy of the language used.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedTherefore, the authorities should provide adequate funding for those who have financial problems.

   The sentence was revised to improve the use of cohesive devices and make the expression more natural.

On the other hand, we do not should only think about being economic challenges, we should take other drawbacks into account such as unemployment, broken home or family problems. Take unemployment as an example, we can see that it is one the main factor in attending a crime. Some people are not able to find jobs lack of qualification or education. Eventually, they face several difficulties or commit crimes such as drug trafficking, being murder or other felonies. In addition, broken home or family problems can be main problems for people. For instance, the couple got diverse for something and their children have to grow up without parental helps. As a result, they may join in gangs and they become a theft or murder. Therefore, we should think about other factors and the govern bodies should pay attention more on those people who are suffering from lack of social necessities.

1. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedOn the other hand, we should not only focus on economic challenges, but also consider other factors such as unemployment, broken homes, or family problems.

   The sentence was revised to correct the double negative and improve the use of cohesive devices.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedSome people are not able to find jobs due to a lack of qualification or education.

   The sentence was revised to correct the prepositional phrase and improve the accuracy of the language used.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedEventually, they face several difficulties or commit crimes such as drug trafficking, robbery, or other felonies.

   The sentence was revised to correct the form of the verb and improve the accuracy of the language used.

4. Lexical resource

   Close revision note

   RevisedTherefore, we should consider other factors, and the government should pay more attention to those who are lacking social necessities.

   The sentence was revised to correct the collocation and improve the accuracy of the language used.

In conclusion, although attending a crime is considered because of poverty, I maintain that we should consider about other social problems since everyone lives in different life.