Junk food and education: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.0

It has been scientifically proven that consumption of excessive amounts of fast food is affecting people’s health negatively today. People have differing opinion as to how to solve the problem, with some saying educating individuals could help and others arguing education will not tackle the issue. While education seems promising, I argue that it will not be as effective as its proponents claim because of the marketing power of major food businesses, which necessitates a different action.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedWhile education seems promising, I argue that the effectiveness of this approach is limited due to the powerful marketing strategies employed by major food businesses, which require a different course of action.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct statement of the argument, improving the flow and coherence of the ideas.

The adcovates of education emphasize the importance of the ingredients that junk food includes, and also argue that most people do not have enough information regarding the content of their food. This is because either companies do not follow certain guidelines or people are extremely ignorant to read food labels or ask about the content of their food. If they were aware of the risks they are taking by consmuing fast food, they might try to limit their intake of such food. Therefore, some people favor the view of educating people through national campaigns or school education.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThis is due to either a lack of adherence to guidelines by companies or an extreme ignorance on the part of consumers who fail to read food labels or inquire about the content of their food.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and improves the clarity and precision of the statement.

I, on the other hand, believe that education will not yield intended results. This is because there are other factors that affect people’s dietary choices, making them opt for fast food. Marketing war which major fast food and processed food companies, such as McDonald’s or Domino’s Pizza, have started is playing a crucial role in shaping people’s behaviour. Large teams of professionals and analysts are sitting in labaratories trying to perfect the look, smell, texture and even the sound of their food to win a bigger share in people’s stomach. This branding and advertising initiatives are so powerful that even if people know about the harms of such food, they sometimes may still go for it.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOn the contrary, I believe that education may not be the most effective solution.

   The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone, which is more suitable for an IELTS essay.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThe marketing war waged by major fast food and processed food companies, such as McDonald’s or Domino’s Pizza, plays a crucial role in shaping people’s behaviour.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and grammatical errors, making the statement more clear and concise.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedLarge teams of professionals and analysts are seated in laboratories, working to perfect the look, smell, texture, and even the sound of their food to attract a larger share of consumers.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and grammatical errors, making the statement more clear and concise.

In my opinion, the issue must be solved in a different way. Governments must take action to gradually force citizens to make more healthy choices about their consumption. By introducing extra taxes on fast food companies, the authorities might alleviate the situation since increased taxes will lead to higher fast food prices, which will then result in the downward shift in the demand of such food. If implemented properly, this strategy should produce desirable results, making people choose rather healthy food items because of the expensive cost of junk food.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIf implemented effectively, this strategy could lead to desirable results, encouraging people to choose more nutritious food items due to the higher cost of junk food.

   The revised sentence provides a more clear and direct statement of the idea and corrects the awkward phrasing.

In conclusion, some believe that educating individuals about the harms of fast food might make them eat less of it. However, I believe that this will not be an effective solution as the advertisement for this kind of food items is too powerful to resist. In my view, government intervention in the food marked will work, shifting individual’s preferences away from fast food due to increased costs.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIn conclusion, some believe that educating individuals about the harms of fast food could potentially reduce their consumption.

   The revised sentence provides a more clear and direct statement of the idea and corrects the awkward phrasing.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn my view, government intervention in the food market could be effective, as higher costs may shift individuals' preferences away from fast food.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct statement of the argument, improving the flow and coherence of the ideas.