Junk food and education: IELTS Task 2 essay #6, band 7.5

Overconsuming junk food is becoming a matter of serious concern according to researchers. While some argue that this problem can be effectively addressed by educating individuals about eating norms and nutrition, others think that this method is useless, so instead governments should allocate free time for employees. I personally support the latter viewpoint, as having minimal spare time for eating is the root cause of unhealthy eating habits, especially among workers.

Proponents of educating individuals about proper diet often highlight its crucial effect in eating habits. As people learn about the importance of high-calorie meal, the relation between digestive system and food, and how to negative impacts of junk dishes, they understand the eating habits, avoid consuming low-nutritious food and eat high-quality meals. The direct results of this are not confined to physical and mental energy spike in every day, but also extend to all-day positive mood, ultimately leading to better well-being. For example, in Uzbekistan, many people consume high-nutritious dishes, such as pilaf, soup, and Manti that contain rich-calorie ingredients like meat, and fresh vegetables. Thereby, myriad Uzbeks have no diet-related problems or health issues.

1. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedThe proponents of educating individuals about proper diet often highlight the crucial effect it can have on eating habits.

   The revised sentence provides a more direct and clear connection between the education and its effects on eating habits.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedAs people learn about the importance of a balanced diet, the relationship between the digestive system and food, and the negative impacts of junk food, they can better understand healthy eating habits and avoid low-nutritious food.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward and incorrect word choices, making the meaning clearer and the expression more natural.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThe direct results of this are not confined to daily spikes in physical and mental energy, but also extend to all-day positive mood, ultimately leading to better well-being.

   The revised sentence corrects the misuse of 'every day' and 'but also', making the meaning clearer and the expression more natural.

4. Lexical resource

   Close revision note

   RevisedAs a result, many Uzbeks do not have diet-related problems or health issues.

   The revised sentence provides a more natural and clear expression of the intended meaning.

However, this may seem a reasonable argument, in reality, diet education may not diminish increased junk food consumption, since the root cause of this issue is the lack of free time for eating. In simple words, nowadays many people work hard without relaxation and spend less time for eating, as they have excessive workload. So when governments, companies and organizations allocate time for their employees to eat properly and freely, this problem can be mitigated. Therefore, I personally believe that it is authorities and employers that can tackle this issue by giving free time for their stuff to eat healthy food.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedHowever, while such an argument may seem reasonable, in reality, diet education may not reduce the consumption of junk food, as the root cause of this issue is the lack of free time for eating.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct contrast to the previous point, improving the overall coherence and cohesion of the argument.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedTherefore, if governments, companies, and organizations provide their employees with the time to eat properly and freely, this problem can be mitigated.

   The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone, which is more appropriate for an IELTS essay.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedTherefore, I personally believe that it is the responsibility of authorities and employers to address this issue by providing free time for their staff to eat healthy food.

   The revised sentence corrects the incorrect use of 'it is' and 'gave', making the meaning clearer and the expression more natural.

In conclusion, although diet education can be a good tool for people to understand the importance of high-quality dishes and avoid junk food, I am firmly convinced that employers should give free time for their employees to eat high-nutritious meals that require longer time for cooking and eating.